Today was my first workday after my one-week holiday with friends. It was hard, damned hard. Even more than I expected. I am still feeling fine and happy. I am proud that I did it, and I am quite optimistic about the future. I feel like I’ve been working a lot, to feel like this even if only for an hour, and it paid off! I am relieved. No matter how hard this day was, or the other days from the previous weeks, I still feel it is different now. That this is the beginning of something new. Everything is the same, but still a little different!
It’s Saturday morning. Finally, thank God! I was waiting for this moment all week. Work consumed all my energy and nerves this week. Yesterday evening I didn’t want to do anything at all. I even canceled my date with Sophie. Instead, I stayed at home and went to bed early. I woke up several times. I can’t sleep long lately. In one of my last dreams already in the morning, I threw a little kitten into a river from a bridge, because she was scratching me. I ran after her because she was drowning in the water. I went in for her, took her and brought her out. I tried to resuscitate her, but I couldn’t. She was dead or at least seemed dead, I wasn’t sure. It was a terrible feeling. Then I woke up with this dream vividly with me.
I am restless. It is Monday evening, and I started this week at a frantic pace. I didn’t want to work on Sunday evening, I woke up early today instead. I arrived at the office at 9 am which is very unusual. I had planned, done, and arranged a lot already before the usual 10 am project management meeting. I stayed very active and motivated in the afternoon too. After work, I rushed through the city to the service with my car. As I arrived home, I didn’t feel like working more, so I started to read instead. I am reading five books at the same time, like a maniac. Then I decided to work a little, arranged some stuff for tomorrow, and kept on reading. It was already past 7 pm when I started feeling restless and uneasy again. I wanted to do everything, everything at the same time.
In the last year or so, during my father’s cancer, I didn’t really have any options. I had to be close to my family, there was no question about it in me. I had to fight along them, together, day after day, hoping for the miracle to happen, and then accepting the inevitable.
Was I unsatisfied with my job? Of course I was, but I wasn’t even thinking about this, I didn’t have the energy or time to deal with such questions. I needed the money, and I definitely didn’t have the energy to change anything. Was I unsatisfied with my love relationship? Yes I was, but I wasn’t thinking about this, I might have not even known I was unhappy with it. I knew that this was not the time for dealing with these kinds of matters. I had to be frugal with the finite amount of energy I had. I wanted to focus it to my family. Everything else was only working at a minimum level. I had no other choice if I wanted to preserve my health and sanity.
Since my father died, and things have gotten settled slowly, I started feeling that I am gradually climbing out of the deep pit I was in. And with that emerged the feeling that I am unhappy in my work and in my relationship as well. And along came the realization, that this time I have options again, and these options are limitless. Nothing is obligatory now, for nobody am I responsible, I am my own boss now. My well-being and happiness is in my own hands. I do whatever I want with my life. Every choice is on me, more than ever before. It is my choice what I do about my unsatisfactory job and my unhappy relationship. This gives me big challenges, but on the other hand huge opportunities!
I had a bad day, for a good reason. Bad things happened me at work. I can feel it in my bones, that I am at the wrong place, I am living the wrong life. I don’t like my job, I am disappointed with it, I am very negative, I see everything dark. I am unhappy!
Mother told me today that she wants to get rid of our dog Mira, because she can’t live with her anymore. She want’s to get rid of the dog that my father wanted to have, he choose her, he raised her in her first months, she was a part of our family for almost a year, we fed her, we stroked her, we raised her. Mother declared today that despite all this she wants to make her disappear or whatever, just because she had enough of her. Mira is already very big, and she is a little difficult to handle sometimes, because she is young and playful and not very obedient at times. Otherwise she is absolutely okay, she only needs a little more attention, guidance and dominance.
It really felt unpleasant to get up early morning. But I had to and I wanted to, for the mass for my father’s soul. I knew it was mere formality, and a better future might be ahead of me, after I had hit the bottom of the seemingly bottomless pit of suffering.