I found some interesting contradictions about my behavior under pressure. I remember the times from my childhood when I played the accordion, and I had to play on every possible occasion and celebration in our village. Since there were not many children around who were playing on instruments, playing in an orchestra or a band were not possible. There was only me, playing in solo, sitting on a chair on the stage by myself, with my accordion in my hands. I often had to play in front of hundreds of people in the theater room of the town. I can still recall that anxious feeling that made my stomach turn, the heart palpitations, and the unbearable nervousness that accompanied me before the performances. I didn’t like it. I hated being on the stage all alone, and I was always terrified of it, sometimes more, sometimes less. I never admitted to myself for years how I felt about it, I just did it because I felt I had to. I considered it a challenge that I simply had to face over and over again.
I woke up this morning extremely nervous and anxious, with thoughts about my job running wild in my head. I couldn’t get over yesterday’s meeting when I had to realize that we wouldn’t be able to deliver our promises to a customer of mine because certain key people were moved from my project to more important ones. It knocked me out right then and there, mostly because I got another unexpected problem and burden to handle, that broke my dreams about having a comfortable letting go of my tasks and projects in the remaining days.
Today I was thinking about all the things that cause me problems and headaches lately. Some of these might have always been present (mostly unnoticed), but the events of the last period dredged them up through making me more sensitive and unstable. Other issues might be entirely new in my life, I don’t know.
I am afraid of everything new. Everything that brings any kind of change. I am scared of turning on the radio in the car because of what I might hear. No kidding, I am serious. I can literally have anxiety attacks just by turning on the radio. I am afraid of the unknown subject they might bring up, and of its impact on me.
Today was my first workday after my one-week holiday with friends. It was hard, damned hard. Even more than I expected. I am still feeling fine and happy. I am proud that I did it, and I am quite optimistic about the future. I feel like I’ve been working a lot, to feel like this even if only for an hour, and it paid off! I am relieved. No matter how hard this day was, or the other days from the previous weeks, I still feel it is different now. That this is the beginning of something new. Everything is the same, but still a little different!
We arrived at the seaside vacation with my friend Mick, to join the rest of our friends. We left the city in the morning together. I had some inner trembling in the morning in the bank already, where I went to pick up some cash. I didn’t understand why I was feeling that way. Then I was nervous about the long trip on an unknown route. We had lunch at an unknown restaurant near the highway, we crossed the border, we crossed the highway gates. All unknown and new things and places, it all made me anxious and fearful.
I am at home. I didn’t go to the office today. I have a presentation at a potential new customer in the afternoon. It freaks me out nowadays. I go fuckin’ crazy about it. I’ve spent the whole day with meditation and yoga so far, to soothe my nerves. I even gave myself the possibility of canceling it. It is not the first time I have some performance, and I am unbearably nervous because of it. I have several experiences to summarize them now.