Another horrible day. I pulled myself together by the afternoon, sat in my car, and drove up the hill for our soccer match with the boys. When I arrived there, an hour before the start, every single muscle in my body was in a cramp like concrete. I was trembling with fear. I was all alone on the field. I started walking up and down the pitch, thinking about my fears and if I could handle what would wait for me here.
I feel an enormous black hole in my head. Cosmic, ringing emptiness. I feel like I have nothing to do and no reason to get up. I don’t want to see or hear anybody. I am afraid of everything and everybody. My body is one big cramp from head to toe. I decided yesterday evening that I would ask for an extra appointment with my therapist because I felt I hit the deepest bottom. And unlike ever before, this time I can’t see the way out. I am just sinking deeper and deeper every day in my anxieties and fears. I don’t want to suffer through any more days helplessly.
I woke up being nervous, with pre-performance anxiety in my legs, only because I knew I had to take over my brother’s birthday cake in a public place, namely in the candy store. I arrived with Sophie, but I left her in the car and went in alone. I was confident and patient, although I felt terrible anxiety inside. We stopped at the gas station too, which also made me nervous. Then I drove her home to her parents and went to my mother’s house to celebrate my brother’s birthday.
Social phobia, or social anxiety disorder. I found the expression on Wikipedia accidentally yesterday evening while reading the mindfulness article. According to Wikipedia, social anxiety is an anxiety disorder characterized by a significant amount of fear in one or more social situations, causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life. Reading about it was an epiphany to me. I realized that this is the very concept that describes my condition most accurately.
I am sitting in the office, and I am terrified. I had to play two 40-minute matches last evening. By the end, I was so exhausted that I could hardly move or say a word. After I got home, and I was having a long skype conversation with Alex, my heart started beating strangely. It made me dreadful. I could hardly fall asleep after that. I woke up depressed this morning. When I came to the office, my heart started giving strange beats again. It scared the shit out of me. It took me almost half an hour to calm down after the shock.
It is Friday afternoon. I just got home from the office. I could manage to tie-up the loose ends, so today I went to the office for the first time with nothing other to do than my only programming task I undertook before I leave. Just like in good old days, four years ago, when I was doing software development instead of project management. I had to concentrate only on the programming task at hand, nothing else. Despite this, I am still nervous, and it bothers me a lot.
It is Friday morning, the first day of my new life when I have truly nothing to do. I have a few minor administrative duties at work next week, and a longer programming task with a loose deadline, but yesterday I decided to give myself a long weekend that includes today. Sophie went to work early morning. I woke up with her, but I went back to sleep after she had left. By the time I woke up again it was almost noon.