[Jul 2013] Back to Work

Today was my first workday after my one-week holiday with friends. It was hard, damned hard. Even more than I expected. I am still feeling fine and happy. I am proud that I did it, and I am quite optimistic about the future. I feel like I’ve been working a lot, to feel like this even if only for an hour, and it paid off! I am relieved. No matter how hard this day was, or the other days from the previous weeks, I still feel it is different now. That this is the beginning of something new. Everything is the same, but still a little different!

I woke up early, before the alarm, although I had set it to an unusually early time because I hadn’t wanted to check my e-mails yesterday evening. I didn’t want to upset myself. I woke up, got tidied up, ate breakfast, and meditated for twenty minutes. I was ready by 7 am, and opened my mailbox. 105 mails. I expected about a hundred. I almost hit it. It took me an hour to read them all, and part of them was very upsetting, although I got a few good news as well. By the time I left the house, I was very nervous.

Driving calmed me down, like usually. By 9 am I prepared everything for the weekly project management meeting. I felt good, and a bit bored already. The sales rep from one of my projects called me, and it pushed me off-balance so much, that I could hardly sit still during the meeting. I could only go to have lunch later, alone, to a fast-food restaurant. I was extremely nervous, because of the upcoming meeting-stream of the afternoon. I attended my 2 pm project-review meeting with shaking legs, just like the product presentation in the afternoon but I managed both. The latter happened to become two-hour-long, and by the end, I was impatient and hungry because I hardly ate anything for lunch. I was relieved when it finished, but I was trembling inside. I finished my unfinished lunch and had the almost forgotten feeling of relief and a sense of achievement, of success. In the last few weeks, after beating any obstacle or challenge, I never felt any real contentment, only horrible exhaustion, and desperation. The achievement could not match the suffering that led to it. But today I feel different, and this is fantastic!

This is the time I have to be very careful, not to be overly optimistic and passionate, not to jump into everything right away. I should do something every day to make the next day even better and happier.


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