[Sept 2013] First Day of True Freedom

It is Friday morning, the first day of my new life when I have truly nothing to do. I have a few minor administrative duties at work next week, and a longer programming task with a loose deadline, but yesterday I decided to give myself a long weekend that includes today. Sophie went to work early morning. I woke up with her, but I went back to sleep after she had left. By the time I woke up again it was almost noon.

It is 1 pm, and I am still in bed. I don’t know what to do. I am tense. I am so nervous as if I am about to give a presentation. I know I should pull myself together to go down to the street or do something, but I have no idea where to go and what to do. I don’t feel like doing anything. Everything feels like a burden. Any new situation still makes me nervous. Shopping, going to a restaurant, seeing people on the street, every social interaction or problem, no matter how small and insignificant it is. Even going to play soccer with my closest friends is too stressful. I need ten or twenty minutes to calm down, dissolve, and be myself again when I meet them.

I had a dream last night. I had to meet a new customer and present a new feature of our system, that I had no clue about. I came off the meeting and asked a colleague and a friend – who happened to be there – to help, but they had their own meetings and presentations. I tried to convince them to come and present it instead of me, but they bawled at me that this is my responsibility and I should solve it alone. I couldn’t say a word. I felt terribly anxious.

To tell you the truth, I don’t know if resting helps me at all. Should I let myself relax, do nothing, and turn inward if I feel like it? Or should I force myself to go out and do something?

Even on a day like this, I feel the pressure of time. That I should be somewhere else, I should do something else, never what I am actually doing. I don’t want to feel this pressure. I want to feel something other than I actually feel…


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