[Oct 2013] My Perfectionism

I am a textbook example of a perfectionist. And it sucks. Perfectionism is my obsession that grabs my throat every now and then.

I am the one who never starts anything unless I am perfectly prepared for it. I have to read dozens of books before I start dating, start a venture, start writing a blog or a book. I am the one who doesn’t allow himself to take a short route because skipping any challenge makes me a coward and a shitty man/worker/leader/whatever. I only work half-heartedly on my project because I am better than it. I deserve a bigger and better project. I am only participating half-heartedly in my relationship because I am bigger than it. I deserve a better woman. I am the one who delays introducing his new girlfriend to people because I want to make sure she is perfect before I humiliate myself with her. Needless to say, having the best and perfect girl is the bare minimum. I am the one who has to buy the best envelope opener knife available on the market because buying the second-best (for half the price) makes me feel weak and cheap. Choosing something (reasonably) cheap makes me feel like an insignificant loser. I am the one who is responsible for everyone’s mood and well-being, everywhere. I cannot show any weakness anywhere, at any time, in front of anyone. I am the one who supports others. Nobody is allowed to help me because then I would be officially weak. If I do something with the aid of others, it is no true accomplishment. It is more like cheating.

Consider someone like this feeling so helpless and lost like I am. Consider how does that make me feel. Feeling lost. Not knowing what to do. Having a life falling apart. Losing significant people, losing my job, and above all losing the illusion of my flawlessness. From the role of the strong supporter and caretaker, turning into somebody in need of help.

While my life is in ruins and I am trying to pick up the pieces, I still have these grandiose plans that can get me back on track and give the lost illusion of my perfectness back. To find the one key to my problems, the secret that solves all my problems, that one thing what I have to change to make all the difference.

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