I was already very deep down yesterday evening, after working the whole weekend to prepare an offer that I knew we couldn’t win. I was complaining for hours about it to my girlfriend, Sophie. Then I woke up extremely nervous today morning. I prepared myself for the day and meditated a little. I was thinking about whether I should go to work or stay home. I changed my mind every minute, but finally, I sat into my car and drove to the office. I knew there will be an official supervision on a project of mine, that made my stomach turn, because I knew the difference between reality and what we communicated about the project, just to get the necessary funding. When I was walking from my car to the office, I stopped again and thought about going back home. All my muscles were in a cramp. I was nauseous and dizzy from thinking about the things that were waiting for me this day. My body was resisting entering the building and spending there another day. I turned around and walked back to my car. I imagined going home, sending a message that I was sick, and staying in bed for a week in a fetal pose, eating pizza, not talking to anyone, being isolated from society and the world. That was what my body and soul wanted. But after a few steps back to my car, I suddenly turned around and entered the building, against all my desires.
It is Sunday afternoon. I am at home at my mother’s house. I feel terrible. A lot weighs on my mind: the difficult week in front of me, with all the work I have to do, with all the stupid tasks. Being at home, I am flooded with old memories. I miss my daddy, and it hurts so bad. I feel a painful emptiness inside, that’s choking me. My body and all my muscles are one big cramp that is impossible to loosen up. My stomach is tight and feels empty, although I know it is full, so much full that it hurts. I want to escape, but there is nowhere to go. I don’t see a way out, so I try to stay here as much as I can.
My balance of 2013 so far: losing my father, losing my girlfriend, coming to hate my job.
I had a bad day, for a good reason. Bad things happened me at work. I can feel it in my bones, that I am at the wrong place, I am living the wrong life. I don’t like my job, I am disappointed with it, I am very negative, I see everything dark. I am unhappy!