I feel like I need a fresh start and a complete renewal from time to time, every few years, to feel a total freedom to start everything all over again. Just like what I have now. I experienced this after I came home from my university studies abroad, then a few years later when I quit my job and had a heart surgery because of my inborn heart arrhythmia. I could start everything all over, with a clean sheet. I had no goals, I had no plans, only wanted to solve the issue of my heart condition, then start a new life.
I feel the same now that I could let go of all my responsibilities. I paid my dues to my family during my father’s sickness. I closed my unhappy relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I quit my hated job, and after all that I have nothing to do, so I can reinvent my life. It feels liberating to experience this freedom, and I am not sure I will be able to live without tasting this every few years. Maybe this is the reason why I’ve never had a very long relationship yet. I might be the person who needs to turn his life to something radically new every four or five years, I don’t know.
Now that I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life and left my comfortable and very well-paying job where I’ve worked for almost five years, it is about time to draw some conclusions from these years, and thoroughly think through the reasons that led me to such disappointment and burnout at this place. I am sure that part of the problems come from the corporate system itself (corporate politics everywhere, putting personal interest in the first place, purposeless tasks, inability to decide and make bold moves, no appreciation of real performance). But a significant part of them must come from me (difficulties handling pressure and stress, feeling overly responsible for everything).
I think it is important to consider both of these because avoiding system-level problems is only possible if I am aware of the kinds of companies, positions, and environments where I can work happily. On the other hand, I should discover and handle the problems that come from me, otherwise, no matter where I work in the future, I’ll end up in the same burned-out state where I am today.
It is like the end of a bad relationship, where retrospection is needed to separate the problems rising from the partner and the ones coming from me. The former helps me to choose a more suitable partner next time, and the latter helps me change and grow.