[Sept 2013] Inventory of Issues

Today I was thinking about all the things that cause me problems and headaches lately. Some of these might have always been present (mostly unnoticed), but the events of the last period dredged them up through making me more sensitive and unstable. Other issues might be entirely new in my life, I don’t know.

I have problems with facing expectations and commitment. I enjoy doing something, and I am good and confident at something only while nobody expects me to do it or be good at it. At the same time, I am very impatient. When something is not obligatory, then I want to do it at once and right away. When something is mandatory and due, then I don’t want to do it yet, I want to procrastinate it because I don’t feel like ready doing it.

I have problems with everything new or unknown. I am terrified to leave my comfort zone. I am afraid of the future. I am afraid I might break down again and go as deep as I am now. I fear that my projects will fail, and I run out of money. I don’t want to go through all this once more. I am afraid that what I’ve been through can happen at any time again, and I can’t do anything about it. I am helpless. What if I have an own company and the same things will happen to me again? I won’t have the option to simply quit and find another job. What if I have a wife and kids? What if I break down and fail then? What would then happen to them or me? I have failed in my job and in my life now, and I feel I can fail at anything anytime in the future.

I have problems with confidence… I might have been excessively optimistic and confident. It has all changed now by facing my own limits and vulnerability. It has broken me, it has torn me apart. Maybe I wasn’t that confident deep down as I thought? Was I just dreaming? Was it all just an illusion?

I am nervous or rather terrified all the time. I find myself in life-or-death situations any minute. Then I feel I should decide to fight or flight immediately. I react with flight lately, or I just freeze with the inability to act.

I feel like everybody’s problems are my problems. I am the one who has to solve them. I am the one who is responsible for them. I have to handle everything, I have to take care of everything and everybody. I am utterly unable to rely on others, to trust the help of anybody. I want to solve everything alone as if solving something together wouldn’t be a valid and acceptable solution. I have trouble accepting unconditional love from others. When I receive anything good, I immediately feel obliged and pressured to give something in return. I can’t bear the burden of owing someone anything.

The list is very long and very heavy… What should I do to solve these and not be sucked in by these issues again? I am so afraid. I think I should really look back and understand what was happening to me and draw some profound conclusions. I have to take a better care of myself!

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