I feel an enormous black hole in my head. Cosmic, ringing emptiness. I feel like I have nothing to do and no reason to get up. I don’t want to see or hear anybody. I am afraid of everything and everybody. My body is one big cramp from head to toe. I decided yesterday evening that I would ask for an extra appointment with my therapist because I felt I hit the deepest bottom. And unlike ever before, this time I can’t see the way out. I am just sinking deeper and deeper every day in my anxieties and fears. I don’t want to suffer through any more days helplessly.
The long non-awaited day has finally come today. The day of the trial. I was unlucky enough to see a bad fight between two employees of a customer of mine. The one sued the other, and I had to go to the trial as a witness. I’ve been feeling terrible, often unbearable increasing anxiety for the last few days. Yesterday afternoon on my regular weekly therapy session we were discussing the trial for the whole hour. Talking, relaxation, everything. I was extremely fearful, but I decided I go, whether I like it or not. I was afraid that I was going to be so anxious that I pass out, in front of everybody. I tried to accept this possibility, no matter how ashamed I was.
It is Friday afternoon. I just got home from the office. I could manage to tie-up the loose ends, so today I went to the office for the first time with nothing other to do than my only programming task I undertook before I leave. Just like in good old days, four years ago, when I was doing software development instead of project management. I had to concentrate only on the programming task at hand, nothing else. Despite this, I am still nervous, and it bothers me a lot.
I woke up this morning extremely nervous and anxious, with thoughts about my job running wild in my head. I couldn’t get over yesterday’s meeting when I had to realize that we wouldn’t be able to deliver our promises to a customer of mine because certain key people were moved from my project to more important ones. It knocked me out right then and there, mostly because I got another unexpected problem and burden to handle, that broke my dreams about having a comfortable letting go of my tasks and projects in the remaining days.
I’ve been sleeping very poorly this week. I had these weird, messy dreams about my father. I was nervous during most of the days, mostly because of trying days at work. I am missing women. My girlfriend is still away. Although I don’t miss particularly her but women in general.
My therapist told me to think about my family. I didn’t know why was that important, but I did it anyway, like a good obedient student. I never really thought about the importance of family. I never knew what I had to do with them, or what we had in common. Nothing I thought. But this time I wanted to think particularly about what we had in common.
Interesting… We have more in common than I thought.
After yesterday’s party, I woke up today with an aching throat. I could hardly swallow. I went back to sleep and got out of bed at 1 am, with slight remorse about letting the hours slip out of my hands. On top of that, I didn’t do anything at work yesterday so that the remorse might be for that too. I prepared breakfast with tea, in the meantime watching a supposed-to-be-funny project-management parody about failed and fucked-up projects, stressed out project managers and developers. It was supposed to be entertaining – and it was indeed -, but it had a very different impact on me.
My therapist suggested that I should write a letter to my father to say goodbye. So I did.
For weeks I’ve wanted to sit down to write to You.