I woke up this morning extremely nervous and anxious, with thoughts about my job running wild in my head. I couldn’t get over yesterday’s meeting when I had to realize that we wouldn’t be able to deliver our promises to a customer of mine because certain key people were moved from my project to more important ones. It knocked me out right then and there, mostly because I got another unexpected problem and burden to handle, that broke my dreams about having a comfortable letting go of my tasks and projects in the remaining days.
I’ve been sleeping very poorly this week. I had these weird, messy dreams about my father. I was nervous during most of the days, mostly because of trying days at work. I am missing women. My girlfriend is still away. Although I don’t miss particularly her but women in general.
My therapist told me to think about my family. I didn’t know why was that important, but I did it anyway, like a good obedient student. I never really thought about the importance of family. I never knew what I had to do with them, or what we had in common. Nothing I thought. But this time I wanted to think particularly about what we had in common.
Interesting… We have more in common than I thought.
After yesterday’s party, I woke up today with an aching throat. I could hardly swallow. I went back to sleep and got out of bed at 1 am, with slight remorse about letting the hours slip out of my hands. On top of that, I didn’t do anything at work yesterday so that the remorse might be for that too. I prepared breakfast with tea, in the meantime watching a supposed-to-be-funny project-management parody about failed and fucked-up projects, stressed out project managers and developers. It was supposed to be entertaining – and it was indeed -, but it had a very different impact on me.
My therapist suggested that I should write a letter to my father to say goodbye. So I did.
For weeks I’ve wanted to sit down to write to You.
Today I went to therapy, to a psychologist. I was in therapy before a few times, for a few sessions only, but I never really needed it. I was just curious about the whole thing, and about myself.
But this is different now. This is the first time that I really need it. God sees my soul, I do everything to be good to myself and to love myself.
If I want to summarize this blog with one word, what this blog is all about, then it would be the word “change”. This blog is about change, and about if it is possible at all, or if it has barriers. I want to write about difficulties, suffering, misery, darkness, dread, hopelesness, shame, and struggling with all these. And about the way out, or about looking for the way out. It is about if there is a way out of mental and emotional problems, depression, anxiety, panic, shame, and traumas. If it is possible to be happy and free. If it is possible to become happy and free. I don’t know the answer yet myself, I just hope that all this is possible…