[Jul 2013] Suffocating Feelings

It’s Saturday morning. Finally, thank God! I was waiting for this moment all week. Work consumed all my energy and nerves this week. Yesterday evening I didn’t want to do anything at all. I even canceled my date with Sophie. Instead, I stayed at home and went to bed early. I woke up several times. I can’t sleep long lately. In one of my last dreams already in the morning, I threw a little kitten into a river from a bridge, because she was scratching me. I ran after her because she was drowning in the water. I went in for her, took her and brought her out. I tried to resuscitate her, but I couldn’t. She was dead or at least seemed dead, I wasn’t sure. It was a terrible feeling. Then I woke up with this dream vividly with me.

I remembered that once as a little child I was playing with kittens at my grandmother. We threw them from high up, and they were always jumping on their feet. It was fun. But there was one weak, clumsy, fragile little kitten, who was not that skillful as the others. I threw her, and she fell on her back on the concrete. I was shocked. She stayed alive but was apparently injured. She could hardly walk after that. My grandma told me that she was probably going to die. I felt horrible guilt and remorse, I can still feel it today.

I stayed in my bed, trying to focus on my breathing, to meditate. The next moment all the frustrations of my work came into my mind. Fighting all that losing battle. The swamp that is pulling me down. My motivation and energy that is getting killed and fading away. All the painful memories and the meaningless fights yet to be fought. These feelings are killing me every day. They paralyze me, suffocate me. I can’t breathe…

Inner peace and happiness, that’s all I want… But I can’t have it…

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