[Jul 2013] Suffocating Feelings

It’s Saturday morning. Finally, thank God! I was waiting for this moment all week. Work consumed all my energy and nerves this week. Yesterday evening I didn’t want to do anything at all. I even canceled my date with Sophie. Instead, I stayed at home and went to bed early. I woke up several times. I can’t sleep long lately. In one of my last dreams already in the morning, I threw a little kitten into a river from a bridge, because she was scratching me. I ran after her because she was drowning in the water. I went in for her, took her and brought her out. I tried to¬†resuscitate her, but I couldn’t. She was dead¬†or at least seemed dead, I wasn’t sure. It was a terrible feeling. Then I woke up with this dream vividly with me.

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[Febr 2013] A Horrible Saturday

It is Saturday afternoon, I am home at my parents, we are just after lunch, and we are setting out with my mother for the neighbour city to settle the phone-subscription of the family. I am already tense and nervous enough, even the crowd is frustrating to me at the plaza. Getting closer to the store, I am getting steamed up, but I restrain myself, and tell the slightly complicated story about what we want to arrange here. I also show the authorization paper, that we wrote so that my poor sick and weak father can stay at home. The girl interrupts me immediately, claiming that they only accept authorizations signed by a public notary. We didn’t have that of course, because getting that is far more complicated and troublesome than coming here with my father. This was the point where something broke in me. I turned back to ask if I can sign the papers in the name of my father, but they refused it, because it is too risky for them to let that happen. My mind went blank, I knew that I can’t think and cope any more. We went back home with my mother, and told the bad news to father. Then we decided (actually they decided because I wasn’t in the state of making decisions) that we don’t have a choice but to go back together, with my father.

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