I woke up this morning extremely nervous and anxious, with thoughts about my job running wild in my head. I couldn’t get over yesterday’s meeting when I had to realize that we wouldn’t be able to deliver our promises to a customer of mine because certain key people were moved from my project to more important ones. It knocked me out right then and there, mostly because I got another unexpected problem and burden to handle, that broke my dreams about having a comfortable letting go of my tasks and projects in the remaining days.
When I look back, it’s been a long and painful year. Now that the most painful point of my life – my relationship with my family – is solved and really wonderful in my consideration, and I’ve found a new view and way of life with discovering the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn, the two most important challenge in my life is to understand and love women better, and start an own venture. These are the things that I want the most now. I am trying to learn and grow, with all my strenght. To learn working and immersing myself in something, without losing balance, which I’ve lost a few times during the year. I can get so sucked in things that I am doing, that everything around me seems to cease, as if someone was controlled by some addiction, like drugs, gambling or video-games.
I have to develop myself quite a lot in order to be successful and reliably successful in the long run. But God can see my soul, I really work and try hard, very hard!
Another horrible day is over, or rather horrible days, since I returned to work after my days off. My father fainted in the hospital two days ago, when he was on a blood test. The nurses panicked, and I almost passed out myself seeing all this. After he had regained consciousness, he was as pale as he would have been dead for weeks. I had to push his lean and weak body to the chemotherapy department in a wheelchair. Yesterday the whole situation repeated, only I was lucky enought not to be there. It was a horrible experience for me, that made me cry yesterday evening, which is good news to me, because I haven’t been able to cry for a very long time. After that I wasn’t able to sleep, and at 5 am I woke up in panic, because someone was heavily knocking on the door of my apartment with a metal-sounding tool. I was scared as hell. My girlfriend was in complete shock. By the time I got to the door and looked through the hole, nobody was there. I have no idea who that might have been and what he might have wanted. I tossed and turned for another hour and a half, and when I could finally sleep again, my alarm started ringing.