Category: Thoughts and Feelings

My thoughts and feelings

[May 2013] Relationship Prison

It is way past midnight. I am sick, I have a bad cold with a mild fever. Today was the worse. I can’t even sleep. I woke up late, and I am not sleepy enough to sleep. I am just tossing and turning awake, in my sweaty pajamas and bed-clothes. I am a bit drowsy because of the medication but still can’t sleep. I can’t stop coughing. I am flooded with thoughts. I think I’ve never felt it so strongly how unhappy I am in my relationship.

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[May 2013] Reframing Negative Thoughts

After yesterday’s party, I woke up today with an aching throat. I could hardly swallow. I went back to sleep and got out of bed at 1 am, with slight remorse about letting the hours slip out of my hands. On top of that, I didn’t do anything at work yesterday so that the remorse might be for that too. I prepared breakfast with tea, in the meantime watching a supposed-to-be-funny project-management parody about failed and fucked-up projects, stressed out project managers and developers. It was supposed to be entertaining – and it was indeed -, but it had a very different impact on me.

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[May 2013] Negative Thoughts

I’ve read an interesting thought in Kabat-Zinn‘s book “The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness“. He is writing about the mechanisms of depression, that our problem-solving capabilities can prove ineffective, or rather counter-productive when dealing with feelings, especially with negative feelings. Because the more we ruminate – trying to stop an otherwise fleeting feeling – the bigger problem we generate for ourselves. This hit me as a revelation because this is exactly what I am doing very often. I am trying to figure out and solve things, and keep ruminating about as if there was a rational solution for them.

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[May 2013] The Options We Have

In the last year or so, during my father’s cancer, I didn’t really have any options. I had to be close to my family, there was no question about it in me. I had to fight along them, together, day after day, hoping for the miracle to happen, and then accepting the inevitable.

Was I unsatisfied with my job? Of course I was, but I wasn’t even thinking about this, I didn’t have the energy or time to deal with such questions. I needed the money, and I definitely didn’t have the energy to change anything. Was I unsatisfied with my love relationship? Yes I was, but I wasn’t thinking about this, I might have not even known I was unhappy with it. I knew that this was not the time for dealing with these kinds of matters. I had to be frugal with the finite amount of energy I had. I wanted to focus it to my family. Everything else was only working at a minimum level. I had no other choice if I wanted to preserve my health and sanity.

Since my father died, and things have gotten settled slowly, I started feeling that I am gradually climbing out of the deep pit I was in. And with that emerged the feeling that I am unhappy in my work and in my relationship as well. And along came the realization, that this time I have options again, and these options are limitless. Nothing is obligatory now, for nobody am I responsible, I am my own boss now. My well-being and happiness is in my own hands. I do whatever I want with my life. Every choice is on me, more than ever before. It is my choice what I do about my unsatisfactory job and my unhappy relationship. This gives me big challenges, but on the other hand huge opportunities!

[May 2013] I Hate my Everything!

I had a bad day, for a good reason. Bad things happened me at work. I can feel it in my bones, that I am at the wrong place, I am living the wrong life. I don’t like my job, I am disappointed with it, I am very negative, I see everything dark. I am unhappy!

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[Apr 2013] Why Is Everything So Difficult?

I am still feeling so terribly lost. I would like to cry, but I am not able to. I can’t see the way out, I can’t see the purpose and meaning of my life. I am sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon, totally aimless and purposeless. I bury myself in work and tasks, that weigh on me heavily. I’ve had a few better days since my father’s death, but then always comes a worse, terrible day, like this one today.

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[Apr 2013] The True Purpose

I’d like to share a story based on Ken Robinson’s famous TED talk. The story is about Gillian Lynne, the famous British ballerina, dancer, and choreographer, who talked about her childhood and the discovery of her talent to Robinson during an interview. She had problems at school from the beginning. She wasn’t interested in the classes, she couldn’t listen and concentrate, she had behavioral problems, she wasn’t able to even sit still. The teachers watched her worried, her mother didn’t know what to do. They wanted to give her medication, to control her constant nervousness and her inability to concentrate.

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[Apr 2013] Fear of Change

Mother told me today that she wants to get rid of our dog Mira, because she can’t live with her anymore. She want’s to get rid of the dog that my father wanted to have, he choose her, he raised her in her first months, she was a part of our family for almost a year, we fed her, we stroked her, we raised her. Mother declared today that despite all this she wants to make her disappear or whatever, just because she had enough of her. Mira is already very big, and she is a little difficult to handle sometimes, because she is young and playful and not very obedient at times. Otherwise she is absolutely okay, she only needs a little more attention, guidance and dominance.

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