It is becoming more and more apparent to me that I have problems with my time and managing it.
It is Tuesday. I am sitting at my desk in my office. I have only one thing to do for today, to write a tender for a project. The deadline is next Monday, so I still have time, but I don’t want to work till then, because tomorrow is a national holiday, and I took off the remaining two workdays of the week. And in fact today is more than enough to write it. The only problem is that I hate writing tenders. This time I hate it even more. So what do I do? I do anything and everything, instead of doing the one thing that I really should do. I rather procrastinate it for the weekend, although I know it will haunt me every day, making it impossible to truly rest. Until Sunday evening, when I’ll actually start working on it, and I’ll finish it on Monday, just before the deadline. All this stress and fuss, instead of simply accepting that right now is the time to do it, sitting down and fuckin’ doin’ it, in order to spend the rest of the week truly carefree.
Unfortunately the problem is deeper than this and more general. It is actually everywhere in my life. I wash my face and set my hair, but I don’t like washing my teeth that much. So I go to the room and start fidgeting with my clothes, get half-dressed, and when I finally run out of every other substitute-tasks, then and only then go I back to actually wash my fuckin’ teeth.
I don’t feel like going to bed, so I read something or surf the net, therefore I wake up dead-tired the next day. Or, I don’t feel like working really hard and focused, so after writing a few lines, I open up a web-browser, and start browsing all kinds of useless bullshit sites again and again, in which I am actually not interested at all. But I still do it, just to do something else than I actually should. I try to procrastinate certain things.
And of course there are these other kinds of things, that I try to hurry up. I think several days ahead about what to do and when. I plan my monthly savings for half a year ahead. I plan my car-services for a year ahead. I spend significant time of my life in the future. I think about the future a lot, much more than necessary. Although I almost always know with my mind what has its time already and what doesn’t have its time yet, but I don’t have the willpower (or whatever it is that I am lacking) to act according to this knowing.
I can’t stop checking my work-emails in the bed before sleep, although I know very well that there is no use in it. No matter what I read, I won’t start working, but I can face new problems and tasks, that can ruin my evening or even my night. I know it is wrong and unhealthy, but I can’t resist the call of those unknown mails.