[May 2013] I Hate my Everything!

I had a bad day, for a good reason. Bad things happened me at work. I can feel it in my bones, that I am at the wrong place, I am living the wrong life. I don’t like my job, I am disappointed with it, I am very negative, I see everything dark. I am unhappy!

In the last weeks I could manage the problems that seemed to endanger my health and my everydays. I took enough rest to be able to continue and live my ordinary life. But very soon I had to face new walls and barriers. The stone-hard wall, that I hate my job and most people there, and the whole fucking environment and culture, where I have to work every day. This is very unhealthy, and I feel that it is killing me, both my soul and my body.

I don’t find any joy in my job. I don’t feel like I do anything useful or meaningful. I don’t feel that I create something. I am not proud of what I do. The only reason I work day by day, is the comfort of the paycheck at the end of the month. Because it is so fucking convenient and pleasant to spend it month by month. Even if the work itself is ruining me.

I don’t like my boss, because he is so fucking impotent and powerless. I don’t like my “perfect corporate citizen” project manager colleague of mine, because she doesn’t do anything but has the thickest skin on earth. I hate the sales guy I am working with for a long time, because he has no fucking idea about anything he is doing. I don’t like my two biggest customers, because they are huge, primal, obsolete, unhealthy, politics-affected half-military organizations. I don’t like our company either, because it is a rigid, inert, mindless behemoth. I don’t like creating endlessly the mindless unqualified sales offers without any concept or strategy, with impossible deadlines. I don’t like digging up the source code looking for mysterious bugs. I don’t like the customer phone-calls in the evening that something went wrong again.

There are things I like, but I’ve experienced so much shit, that I can only see the bad and the horrible. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? Away! Far away! Anywhere but here! I don’t even like the country I am living in, seeing where it is heading. I am unsatisfied in my relationship as well, but I don’t make the effort to change it. My work and my relationship, they are the main sources of my misery I think. They are the next two problems to solve, in order to be happy. I have to change these, because I know for sure, that I am not walking my way right now. I feel the tightening feeling in my belly.


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