[May 2013] Relationship Prison

It is way past midnight. I am sick, I have a bad cold with a mild fever. Today was the worse. I can’t even sleep. I woke up late, and I am not sleepy enough to sleep. I am just tossing and turning awake, in my sweaty pajamas and bed-clothes. I am a bit drowsy because of the medication but still can’t sleep. I can’t stop coughing. I am flooded with thoughts. I think I’ve never felt it so strongly how unhappy I am in my relationship.

I want to go, but I can’t because I love her, and I don’t want to split up with her when she is so far away. I want to move on, but it is not possible. Not yet, not this way. It wouldn’t be fair. I wouldn’t be able to do it. I would ruin everything with it. Although in my soul I am already far away. I am helpless. I am in prison. This relationship holds me captive. I am counting the days for her to come home so that I can finish it with dignity and decency. I am already composing the sentences in my head. And in the meantime, we talk to each other every day, with a fake smile on my face, telling her everything is going to be alright. I feel like she would die out there without this hope. And a break up would ruin her exam season too. I don’t want to harm her. So I suffer instead. For another two weeks at least…

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