As I said earlier, I am somewhat unhappy with my love relationship. My girlfriend went to study abroad for a couple of months, and I went to visit him this weekend. I wanted to talk to her about the problems I had in our relationship.
I feel that our relationship is not in balance because we are not equal in the relationship. We are off-balance, because she subordinates herself to me, by giving up her needs, wants, and wishes. She turns to me as if everything was about me. I don’t feel that she is leading me anywhere, only the other way around. I don’t feel that she can cheer me up when I am sad, while my mood and my feelings determine hers very strongly. Although everything is about me, I don’t feel true support from her, because I don’t feel that she can hold me when I need it. I am too heavy for her to be held. Because of this, I can’t look up to her. Maybe it is because of the big age difference (8 years), or something else, I don’t know.
I had never really talked to her about this earlier, and it really built up some tension in me. It was really difficult and frustrating to smile all the time as if everything was fine, while deep inside I was unsatisfied and unhappy for a while. So I wanted it out to ease my frustration, and not to have a sudden unexpected breakup for her.
I told about certain problems to her during the weekend, mostly that I didn’t feel that our relationship has a balance. I feel that we aren’t equal in our relationship because she subordinates herself to me. As I had expected, she accepted the problems very badly, no matter that I wasn’t talking about breaking up or anything like that. But she is just too smart not to think about that after what I disclosed my problems and unsatisfaction. I wasn’t surprised about that, but I was surprised about some other things she said.
She said that she had tried to subordinate herself to me, because of my father’s sickness, in order to help me and to make my life easier. Therefore it was painful for her to hear that although she had tried to help by sacrificing herself and her needs, I was blaming her for doing that. If I imagined myself in her situation, I can feel how painful this could have felt. But it doesn’t change the fact, that this is not good for me. I don’t want a woman to sacrifice herself for me, I want an equal partner, not an inferior care-taker. Inequality is bad for attraction as well. I find it harder to be attracted to someone who sacrifices herself for me. I sacrificed myself for women a few times, and it wasn’t good, it didn’t help building any attraction. It is a very bad idea.
On the other hand, she started throwing things at me that had bothered her. Finally! I was actually happy about it, because this was my very problem, that she never did that, she never said what had bothered her. She told me that she didn’t really feel herself a woman on my side, although she had very much felt that way in the beginning. This statement shocked me, although thinking about it honestly, I shouldn’t be very surprised. If I think about it, I really don’t handle her as a woman, I rather see her as my daughter, or little sister, or something similar, but definitely not as a grown woman. It was a harsh but very important realization to me!
This is a very big problem, and it is not the first time it happened to me. I feel like I can’t look up to her because she gave herself up so much. It decreases my admiration, my respect, and my attraction too. And another consequence is that I don’t really handle her as a woman. I admit that. But I can convince myself, that it is not my fault, it is because of her giving up herself. But I better think about it a little more, because I must have a part in the situation, for sure. Why does a woman not feel like a woman after a longer relationship with me? I should think about it!
In the end, she said what was bothering her the most, that something was missing from the end of my talk: either my intention of breaking up or my faith in solving these together. But I said neither of these. Well, a very good point, she caught me by surprise, I have to admit. I couldn’t say anything besides bullshitting about my faith in the future. Which wasn’t true of course.
On my way back home I was thinking about the importance of influence between people, whether it is a love relationship, friendship, work or sport. When the right people work together in a relationship, something greater emerges than the sum of the parts. This is what cooperation is all about. That’s why a weaker but well-functioning team can beat a team of stars. That’s why unexpected miraculous things can happen in relationships because the other party can surface parts of me that I have never even known it was there. And it can help me love the person I am becoming even better, thanks to her. This has essential importance in a relationship to me, and this is something I am missing right now.