My balance of 2013 so far: losing my father, losing my girlfriend, coming to hate my job.
I’ve been sleeping very poorly this week. I had these weird, messy dreams about my father. I was nervous during most of the days, mostly because of trying days at work. I am missing women. My girlfriend is still away. Although I don’t miss particularly her but women in general.
My therapist told me to think about my family. I didn’t know why was that important, but I did it anyway, like a good obedient student. I never really thought about the importance of family. I never knew what I had to do with them, or what we had in common. Nothing I thought. But this time I wanted to think particularly about what we had in common.
Interesting… We have more in common than I thought.
In the last year or so, during my father’s cancer, I didn’t really have any options. I had to be close to my family, there was no question about it in me. I had to fight along them, together, day after day, hoping for the miracle to happen, and then accepting the inevitable.
Was I unsatisfied with my job? Of course I was, but I wasn’t even thinking about this, I didn’t have the energy or time to deal with such questions. I needed the money, and I definitely didn’t have the energy to change anything. Was I unsatisfied with my love relationship? Yes I was, but I wasn’t thinking about this, I might have not even known I was unhappy with it. I knew that this was not the time for dealing with these kinds of matters. I had to be frugal with the finite amount of energy I had. I wanted to focus it to my family. Everything else was only working at a minimum level. I had no other choice if I wanted to preserve my health and sanity.
Since my father died, and things have gotten settled slowly, I started feeling that I am gradually climbing out of the deep pit I was in. And with that emerged the feeling that I am unhappy in my work and in my relationship as well. And along came the realization, that this time I have options again, and these options are limitless. Nothing is obligatory now, for nobody am I responsible, I am my own boss now. My well-being and happiness is in my own hands. I do whatever I want with my life. Every choice is on me, more than ever before. It is my choice what I do about my unsatisfactory job and my unhappy relationship. This gives me big challenges, but on the other hand huge opportunities!
I faced another hard day today. I went to my father’s ashes in the morning, to the mortician in the city, right next to the hospital he had died in. I was really afraid of the whole experience, but I could be quite stable and calm. I did the paperwork, paid what I had to, sat into my car, and drove home to my mother with my father’s ashes on the back-seat. I was driving alone. I wanted to be alone. I left my girlfriend in the city, and planned to get back for her in the evening.
Today is my first morning without my father. I can hardly get out of bed. I hardly woke up and I am already thinking about how to say to mother that we should not hire the cheaper mortician from next town, because it is complicated and conflict-prone to bring him to town, even if it is cheaper. I want to keep the family peace as much as I can, but I don’t want to create a conflict about the funeral. I am afraid that she is not going to understand the situation and my point, no matter how nicely, kindly, and calmly I try to say it.
After finishing our lunch, we went home with my car, but I asked my brother to drive. I sat to the rear-right seat. I prefer travelling there, especially because I wanted to hide from everything and everybody. I didn’t want to be noticed at all. I asked my mother to wait with all the phone-calls for a while, we could figure out everything at home. She told me that she had already told it to three of her friends. But when? Right away after I called her? Or during they came to the hospital?
It is Friday evening. It was exactly 13 months ago, when we started our fight with cancer, and now I am sitting at your death-bed in the Oncology Institution, and I am watching your last breaths. Your last roommate could go home today, so there is only you and me in this two-bed room.