I am still feeling so terribly lost. I would like to cry, but I am not able to. I can’t see the way out, I can’t see the purpose and meaning of my life. I am sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon, totally aimless and purposeless. I bury myself in work and tasks, that weigh on me heavily. I’ve had a few better days since my father’s death, but then always comes a worse, terrible day, like this one today.
It all started so well this morning. I had a long sleep during the night. I still woke up with a slight nervousness. It peaked later, during meditation. It became more intense, and came into foreground. Then I started working. I was working on an estimation for a new tender, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I not wanted this project. I imagined the huge, new, and unknown organization of the customer, with lots of people, lots of problems, lots of tasks, impossible deadlines, and myself in the middle of this, being helpless and lost. I can’t express how much I don’t miss this project! When am I going to regain my strength and passion? I know I have to be patient, I might be still impatient.
I kept on working with all these depressing thoughts, and suddenly my heart gave a huge leap, and kept on doing its arrhythmic beating endlessly. I jumped up off the bed, started coughing intentionally to make it stop, turned around and laid down on the ground. It stopped, but these few seconds seemed like a lifetime. I felt like my heart lost its inner rhythm once and for all. It didn’t last longer than 6 or 8 heartbeats, still it was so frightening for me. I was scared to death, and grasped my pillow on the ground with shaking hands.
After a few minutes I grabbed my notebook and started writing these lines. It’d be so good to cry, with a childish self-pity. Why is everything so difficult? Why can’t I just have a good time? Why can’t life be easy and beautiful? Why do I have to fight with my heart on top of everything?