By the age of 30, I accomplished the lamest, most disastrous and disgraceful break up of my life. She gathered her stuff and left me standing here speechless, but before she had given me a lecture about relationships. She told me that it couldn’t work in a way that only one of us puts in the work and energy. She lectured me, and she was absolutely right.
It is way past midnight. I am sick, I have a bad cold with a mild fever. Today was the worse. I can’t even sleep. I woke up late, and I am not sleepy enough to sleep. I am just tossing and turning awake, in my sweaty pajamas and bed-clothes. I am a bit drowsy because of the medication but still can’t sleep. I can’t stop coughing. I am flooded with thoughts. I think I’ve never felt it so strongly how unhappy I am in my relationship.
As I said earlier, I am somewhat unhappy with my love relationship. My girlfriend went to study abroad for a couple of months, and I went to visit him this weekend. I wanted to talk to her about the problems I had in our relationship.
In the last year or so, during my father’s cancer, I didn’t really have any options. I had to be close to my family, there was no question about it in me. I had to fight along them, together, day after day, hoping for the miracle to happen, and then accepting the inevitable.
Was I unsatisfied with my job? Of course I was, but I wasn’t even thinking about this, I didn’t have the energy or time to deal with such questions. I needed the money, and I definitely didn’t have the energy to change anything. Was I unsatisfied with my love relationship? Yes I was, but I wasn’t thinking about this, I might have not even known I was unhappy with it. I knew that this was not the time for dealing with these kinds of matters. I had to be frugal with the finite amount of energy I had. I wanted to focus it to my family. Everything else was only working at a minimum level. I had no other choice if I wanted to preserve my health and sanity.
Since my father died, and things have gotten settled slowly, I started feeling that I am gradually climbing out of the deep pit I was in. And with that emerged the feeling that I am unhappy in my work and in my relationship as well. And along came the realization, that this time I have options again, and these options are limitless. Nothing is obligatory now, for nobody am I responsible, I am my own boss now. My well-being and happiness is in my own hands. I do whatever I want with my life. Every choice is on me, more than ever before. It is my choice what I do about my unsatisfactory job and my unhappy relationship. This gives me big challenges, but on the other hand huge opportunities!
I had a bad day, for a good reason. Bad things happened me at work. I can feel it in my bones, that I am at the wrong place, I am living the wrong life. I don’t like my job, I am disappointed with it, I am very negative, I see everything dark. I am unhappy!