[May 2013] I Hate my Everything!

I had a bad day, for a good reason. Bad things happened me at work. I can feel it in my bones, that I am at the wrong place, I am living the wrong life. I don’t like my job, I am disappointed with it, I am very negative, I see everything dark. I am unhappy!

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[Apr 2013] Why Is Everything So Difficult?

I am still feeling so terribly lost. I would like to cry, but I am not able to. I can’t see the way out, I can’t see the purpose and meaning of my life. I am sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon, totally aimless and purposeless. I bury myself in work and tasks, that weigh on me heavily. I’ve had a few better days since my father’s death, but then always comes a worse, terrible day, like this one today.

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[Apr 2013] The True Purpose

I’d like to share a story based on Ken Robinson’s famous TED talk. The story is about Gillian Lynne, the famous British ballerina, dancer, and choreographer, who talked about her childhood and the discovery of her talent to Robinson during an interview. She had problems at school from the beginning. She wasn’t interested in the classes, she couldn’t listen and concentrate, she had behavioral problems, she wasn’t able to even sit still. The teachers watched her worried, her mother didn’t know what to do. They wanted to give her medication, to control her constant nervousness and her inability to concentrate.

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[Apr 2013] Fear of Change

Mother told me today that she wants to get rid of our dog Mira, because she can’t live with her anymore. She want’s to get rid of the dog that my father wanted to have, he choose her, he raised her in her first months, she was a part of our family for almost a year, we fed her, we stroked her, we raised her. Mother declared today that despite all this she wants to make her disappear or whatever, just because she had enough of her. Mira is already very big, and she is a little difficult to handle sometimes, because she is young and playful and not very obedient at times. Otherwise she is absolutely okay, she only needs a little more attention, guidance and dominance.

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[Apr 2013] Why am I Still Unwell?

I always used to be a little stronger than was actually needed. No matter what difficulty or challenge came up, I always knew I was going to be able to overcome it. And I was indeed. Or at least I used to be. Nowadays I am always a little weaker than what the actual situation demands. There are no easy problems or tasks anymore, that can not beat me, paralyze me, or cause unsolvable difficulties to me.

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[Apr 2013] Hope and Hopelessness

It really felt unpleasant to get up early morning. But I had to and I wanted to, for the mass for my father’s soul. I knew it was mere formality, and a better future might be ahead of me, after I had hit the bottom of the seemingly bottomless pit of suffering.

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[Apr 2013] My Father’s Funeral

I faced another hard day today. I went to my father’s ashes in the morning, to the mortician in the city, right next to the hospital he had died in. I was really afraid of the whole experience, but I could be quite stable and calm. I did the paperwork, paid what I had to, sat into my car, and drove home to my mother with my father’s ashes on the back-seat. I was driving alone. I wanted to be alone. I left my girlfriend in the city, and planned to get back for her in the evening.

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