I feel an enormous black hole in my head. Cosmic, ringing emptiness. I feel like I have nothing to do and no reason to get up. I don’t want to see or hear anybody. I am afraid of everything and everybody. My body is one big cramp from head to toe. I decided yesterday evening that I would ask for an extra appointment with my therapist because I felt I hit the deepest bottom. And unlike ever before, this time I can’t see the way out. I am just sinking deeper and deeper every day in my anxieties and fears. I don’t want to suffer through any more days helplessly.
My therapist suggested that I should write a letter to my father to say goodbye. So I did.
For weeks I’ve wanted to sit down to write to You.
Today I went to therapy, to a psychologist. I was in therapy before a few times, for a few sessions only, but I never really needed it. I was just curious about the whole thing, and about myself.
But this is different now. This is the first time that I really need it. God sees my soul, I do everything to be good to myself and to love myself.
If I want to summarize this blog with one word, what this blog is all about, then it would be the word “change”. This blog is about change, and about if it is possible at all, or if it has barriers. I want to write about difficulties, suffering, misery, darkness, dread, hopelesness, shame, and struggling with all these. And about the way out, or about looking for the way out. It is about if there is a way out of mental and emotional problems, depression, anxiety, panic, shame, and traumas. If it is possible to be happy and free. If it is possible to become happy and free. I don’t know the answer yet myself, I just hope that all this is possible…