My therapist suggested that I should write a letter to my father to say goodbye. So I did.
For weeks I’ve wanted to sit down to write to You.
We were in the cemetery today afternoon with mother, and took photos of the ribbons of the wreaths one by one, and threw them away to the garbage can, because three weeks after the funeralthe funeral the wreaths were very much dry and dead. Mom kept the ribbons of our three wreaths. Poor mom wrote on hers that she knows you will meet again. Dad, we miss you terribly! The house became so painfully empty without you. It is very difficult to mom, especially because brother is away working on a ship, and I can only come home on weekends. She had troubles with the dogs, but I help her with brother, and we’ll solve everything step by step.
I know it is no point saying how terrible it is what happened to You, because you’d say to me that we couldn’t do anything, and you could accept it anyway. I accepted it at some level indeed, so I don’t even want to bring it up. Anyway, I am writing You to say goodbye, for the last time. Actually I feel like I could properly say goodbye to You during your sickness, nicely, step by step. Mostly on the day when I told you at home that you were going to die. I am grateful for that afternoon to myself and to You as well. I know that many years went by of our lives, when we were distant from each other, in every way, but I feel that in the end, during this year of your cancer, we could give each other a lot, and we could show each other how much we loved each other. Daddy, I love you very very much! And I miss you very very much! I am very proud of You and of what you did in your last year and in your whole life. You raised us with brother, you took care of mother. I am really very proud of You! And I can’t say anything else than I am going to do everything for you to rest in peace after all that work and suffering! I am going to take care of myself, of mother and brother, and I will live my life in a way that you can be proud of me. I will try to be healthy, balanced, and happy, because nothing has any meaning without it.
I can’t say anything more, I feel like we have discussed everything!
Thank you for everything, Daddy! Thank you for helping me born and raised, thank you for your support, thank you for everything! I will remember your memory, to my future children as well, who will be shorter of knowing you, but they will know from me who their grandfather was!
Take care, and rest in peace!
Your loving son, Zol”