[Apr 2013] Hope and Hopelessness

It really felt unpleasant to get up early morning. But I had to and I wanted to, for the mass for my father’s soul. I knew it was mere formality, and a better future might be ahead of me, after I had hit the bottom of the seemingly bottomless pit of suffering.

After the mass we went home to the house, I threw my nice clothes away, and changed for a more comfortable one, and got back to bed with my girlfriend. I had another few hours of carefree sleep, until the lunch was ready.

After lunch I went back home to the city, to my apartment. This carefree feeling lasted until late afternoon, until I called my colleague. We had undertaken a small private project for a contact of mine. The task was to write a system-specification for an already-existing software, that was needed for a supervision of a financial sponsoring. I hadn’t had any time and energy to do this job, but he was more than willing to participate, so I accepted the task and gave it to him. So the project was already underway. I called him, and he started talking about that he had been thinking and he found it very edgy and problematic, and wanted to be out of it. I lost my balance and carelessness in an instant. I went completely out of my mind. I felt frozen and paralyzed. My mind went blank, and my nerves were running wild. As he started talking about this, I started losing my strength and my body was shaking. I felt like it was all over for me, and I wouldn’t be able to handle this situation. I had undertaken something, that I had been unable to do on my own, and now I was left all alone with the project. All I had wanted was to do good to both the client and my colleague, but it didn’t matter anymore. I was over…

In the evening I called my mother again, just to talk a little. I knew she was left alone home after all the fuss, because my brother had things to do in the city, and I came back home, too. We were talking a few minutes, then she told me in the end that she was crying a little. She was crying while saying it too. She was missing father. I started crying as she told me this. I imagined her situation, and it broke my heart. After 30 years of marriage she was sitting all alone in that big house, and she was missing his husband, my father…

It is very late night already. I am lying in my bed, and I am tormented by anxieties. I have no chance to sleep. Bare being feels difficult. I feel like I have to fight for pure existence. It feels horrible and hopeless. I can’t see the way out of this blinding darkness, this constant nervousness is paralyzing and killing me. I have already learned it a million times, that every condition and feeling is passing, but it is very difficult to believe now that this is ever going to pass. I not only don’t feel like it will pass, I know it for sure that it will last forever. My mind is letting me down as well. It is very hard to believe in a better future, when everything is so dark and hopeless. What do I do wrong all the time? What is it that I can’t understand and grasp? What is the lesson I can’t comprehend? What is my sin for that I suffer? What did I do that cannot be forgiven?

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