My balance of 2013 so far: losing my father, losing my girlfriend, coming to hate my job.
I am at home. I didn’t go to the office today. I have a presentation at a potential new customer in the afternoon. It freaks me out nowadays. I go fuckin’ crazy about it. I’ve spent the whole day with meditation and yoga so far, to soothe my nerves. I even gave myself the possibility of canceling it. It is not the first time I have some performance, and I am unbearably nervous because of it. I have several experiences to summarize them now.
I had a horrible day. Another one. It is evening, and I am sitting on the bank of the river next to my favorite little promenade where I used to run. It is getting cold, I have put on my pullover. Tepid breeze is stroking my bare legs and my face. The river is flowing silently in front of me, almost without waves, but with a strong current. The sun has already set, but it isn’t dark yet. On the other side of the river, I can see an unknown, secret little world, with trees on the shore, behind them big factory buildings with lights. I see an anchored track-boat on the river, with flickering light from their cabin. I wonder how it would be to live on a boat like this, spending the nights alone on the river, on no-man’s land, entirely abandoned, near unknown shores, reading books by a candle. To me, it is tempting now. I desire for that loneliness, for that peace.
I woke up with eternal emptiness today. I felt like I had a fever. My body was aching, and I was terribly tense, or rather nervous. I was sleepy, tired, exhausted, and completely empty inside. After I had got out of bed, I had to realize that I didn’t have a fever, I didn’t have a sore throat, and nothing else was really aching in my body. Except the realization that I pushed my girlfriend away, and threw away an almost two-year-old relationship. In the last few days, after the fucked-up break-up, I hadn’t really dealt with it, I had repressed it somewhere deep down. I hadn’t given myself time to work through it, I buried myself in work and other duties instead. But this morning it all came back and warned me that I had more to do with it inside me. I am not feeling well, I have to give myself more time to work this through.
I’ve been sleeping very poorly this week. I had these weird, messy dreams about my father. I was nervous during most of the days, mostly because of trying days at work. I am missing women. My girlfriend is still away. Although I don’t miss particularly her but women in general.
My therapist told me to think about my family. I didn’t know why was that important, but I did it anyway, like a good obedient student. I never really thought about the importance of family. I never knew what I had to do with them, or what we had in common. Nothing I thought. But this time I wanted to think particularly about what we had in common.
Interesting… We have more in common than I thought.