[Mar 2013] Fighting Hard

God can see my soul, I am fighting so hard day in and day out, to keep myself together, to live a healthy life, in the middle of elemental storms attacking from all directions.

I’ve read a book of a psychiatrist, who had a patient, a young woman. She was always complaining whining, although she had everything to be happy, to live a successful life. But instead, she was always blaming others for her misery and failures, and never did the things she sould have done. He asked her if she had ever seen a disabled child trying to draw. The woman didn’t understand the question. He explained it to her: the child grabs the pencil so strong that it almost breaks in half, his little eyes google, they want to fall off their places, his vein wants to blow up in his neck, his tongue lolls out of his mouth. He hasn’t got much from God, but he uses every little drop of what he has, in order to create something on that paper. He is fighting with all his parts. And what does the woman do? She got everything, but all she does is crying that nothing works for her. If one day this little child meets God, I can see, that he is told: “Good job, little boy, you really did everything you could.”

I often feel myself being this little disabled boy trying to draw something. Nothing comes easy to me. I have to fight every day, every hour, every minute to keep myself up, to make the next little step, not to fall apart. To be strong, just for a little bit more. And I am really, really doing everything! I am really trying my best. I am taking good care of myself, as much as I can. I am trying to stay away from sources of stress, I am trying to do sports, to live healthy, to eat regurarly, to rest, to meditate, to write, to think. I am trying to love myself besides my family and others! I am trying to admit if I am weak. I am trying to be brave enough to tell this to others. I am trying to ask for time if I need it or if I can’t take it anymore. I am trying to learn and grow, I am trying to know and accept myself better. I am fighting hard and I am very determined. I have faith that I can hold on till I have to, and I will stay strong. God, how hard I am trying! And God, how hard it is! I am trying to live in the present, because if I look only a couple of days ahead, I see such stormclouds, that makes me sick.

I’ve spent my day according to this. I decided last night, that I won’t go in to my office, because I have to go to a status meeting to a big customer in the afternoon, all alone, “against” ten people. I pressed the snooze several times after my morning alarm went off, then finally left the bed after 10am, and it still wasn’t easy. I had already felt anxious, before my feet hit the ground. I still had time to prepare. I read my mails, I made a few errands, I pulled myself together, I ate breakfast – or rather lunch – then had a short 20 minute meditation session. I went off by foot, because my customer was only 20 minutes away from home. This short walk was an emotional roller-coaster in itself, my thoughts were running wild in my head. The meeting wouldn’t even reach my treshold normally, but this time it really weighed on me. Stepping into the building I was already dizzy, but I could calm down a bit. I had time to read the meeting material once more. I arrived earlier to the room, had a little chat with the participants. The meeting started, and it took a while, before I had to say or do anything. While I was waiting, my anxiety was rising so high, that I really considered leaving the room and the whole meeting. I had to fight for every second to be able to stay and sit, without them seeing what was going on with me. I still can’t understand how can people be so blind and ignorant, not seeing how much I suffer. Then it was my turn, I said what I had to, and my feelings were flowing inside me insanely. I returned to my team’s project-room really tired after the meeting. We had a short internal meeting there, I settled a few mails, then left the building and set out back home. I was totally exhausted, after only a few hours of work.

 

At home I laid down immediately for a longer meditation. After that I ate someting, and called the massage salon around the corner, and fixed an appointment for the evening, just to take even better care of myself. Then I decided to make the usual phone call with my family, this time with my father. This is the most stressful part of my days recently, especially because father still tries to pretend that things are going to turn out fine soon, we just have to pull through this temporary difficult period. This really annoys and frustrates me. It already makes my stomach turn, when my father starts his usual sentences about this. I’ve decided that it is really about time to straighten this out somehow, because I don’t want him to die waiting for the cure to come, because I don’t think it would be right. But I want to wait to the detailed results of his last CT-scan first, and the opinion of his oncologist of course, but it is really difficult listening to his bullshit until that.

But today I could talk to my father in a normal way, without wanting to throw up. In the end I could tell him that he has every right to be angry, upset or sad, after what he was told in the hospital, that his condition worsened further. He wanted to digest this in a few hours, just like usual, and he told me that he was a bit upset then, but by now he is alright. I think if I’d die tomorrow, he’d give himself 24 hours to process it maybe.

After talking to him I went to the massage. It felt really good, but then the masseuse pressed the artery on my neck so hard, that my legs went numb, and my heart started pounding, and I thought I am going to faint. I told her that this was not good, so she stopped. Then she pushed my stiff back muscles with her elbow so strong, that I started seeing little black dots. By the end I was dizzy and only wanted to escape from there to get back home to safety.

At home I read at a news portal that Hugo Chavez, the President of Venezuela lost his 2 years long battle with cancer and died. He who had all the money, all the tools and help to fight cancer… What chances do we have then?

I have to admit that I often feel unceartain and confused, because I can’t feel the way out of the everydays and problems. Sometimes I feel that I am not going anywhere, I am not making any headway. I think meditation might not help me at all, it just doesn’t work for me, or maybe I am doing it the wrong way. Kabat-Zinn told that these are the thoughts coming up along the way, but I have to keep moving. I am doing this, but it is really hard, although I knew it will be. Then I notice and learn things along the way sometimes. But I still feel like the more I see, the more I suffer, because more disturbing and frustrating things emerge that I wasn’t aware of. Progress happens only when I act and do something about these previously unseen things. I see more but I don’t do more, because I really don’t know how to. No wonder I feel really bad quite often…

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