Thoughts and Feelings – Page 7

[Nov 2012] Temporary Relief

I’ve had a wonderful week. The first full 5-workday week, since I came back from my holiday. The beginning of it was very difficult, because I felt that my tolerance-level was still very low. I struggled very hard through Tuesday, when I had to visit a new customer, where I was introduced as the new project manager. That day was very difficult for me. On Wednesday I went to work with the thought “just get over it” in my head. Then I realized, that the day is over, it went very well, I could accomplish quite a lot, and I am full of energy. Thursday evening I felt that I was so full of passion, that I have to slow down, not to get sucked in and overwhelmed by work again.

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[Oct 2012] Heart Condition

I don’t know where to start. With the facts maybe. Yesterday evening I played a 40-minutes-long soccer match in freezing cold. Then I came home with my girlfriend, and a few hours after the match I was doing the dishes, when my heart made a few consecutive strange palpitatations. I ran out into the bathroom to wash my dirty hands. By the time I got back to the room, I was already in sheer panic. I laid down on my bed and tried to calm myself. It seemed like it worked, but my palpitations continued, and didn’t seem to ever stop. I sat up on the bed, but my pulse rate was already around 120-150 per minute, and my heartbeat was really strange, shallow and irregular. I started trembling with fear. With fear of death. Then I jumped up, because I couldn’t just sit still, and started to walk up and down the apartment. I started feeling stiffness in my arms. This was the point when I told my girlfriend – who just stared at me frightened – to call an ambulance.

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[Oct 2012] Difficulties Getting Permanent

Another horrible day is over, or rather horrible days, since I returned to work after my days off. My father fainted in the hospital two days ago, when he was on a blood test. The nurses panicked, and I almost passed out myself seeing all this. After he had regained consciousness, he was as pale as he would have been dead for weeks. I had to push his lean and weak body to the chemotherapy department in a wheelchair. Yesterday the whole situation repeated, only I was lucky enought not to be there. It was a horrible experience for me, that made me cry yesterday evening, which is good news to me, because I haven’t been able to cry for a very long time. After that I wasn’t able to sleep, and at 5 am I woke up in panic, because someone was heavily knocking on the door of my apartment with a metal-sounding tool. I was scared as hell. My girlfriend was in complete shock. By the time I got to the door and looked through the hole, nobody was there. I have no idea who that might have been and what he might have wanted. I tossed and turned for another hour and a half, and when I could finally sleep again, my alarm started ringing.

Continue reading [Oct 2012] Difficulties Getting Permanent

[Sept 2012] Fears, Thoughts and Writing

Just like I realized it years ago, I am unable to honestly recall and experience feelings much after I experienced them. That’s why I think it is important to write them down when I am right in the middle of them, or at least as soon as possible. Because if I don’t do that, later I won’t be able to recall and describe them half as genuinly as before. On the other hand I have a strong tendency to forget or minimize them, just as if they weren’t serious at all. A totally hopeless and desperate situation can seem completely different and harmless to me the next day. Sometimes I can’t even take my own feelings seriously after one day, except if I am able to read my painful thoughts and feelings from the previous day. That’s why it is important for me to write of my thoughts as much as possible these days, because I feel like there are wars going on inside me, and I am going through the most important transformation of my life, day by day, week by week.

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[Sept 2012] Meditation and Me

I hadn’t known much about Buddhism and meditation, not more than people usually in the Western world: it is some strange, distant, abstract religious kind of thing, that is very different from mainstream western religions. Oh yes, and when someone meditates, he is sitting still for a longer time, and becomes very calm, and won’t be worried and bothered and interested in anything. And that it is not that much about some kind of God, but it is about something else, whatever it is. Oh, and there is reincarnation as well, which I think is complete nonsense. I think this was all I knew about it.

Still, somehow, for some misterious reason, I’ve always felt that meditation and Buddhism is not something stupid. It always made some sense to me, although I had barely known anything about it, and although there are lots of other misterious things, like astrology or esoteria, that doesn’t make any sense to me at all. Buddhism has always been attractive to me, I had this secret voice in my head that told me I should get to know more about it, because it holds precious jewels for me.

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[Sept 2012] Limits, Symptoms, and Panic

I feel that I have difficulties handling stress, mostly the stress that I experience at my work. Actually I don’t know it sometimes if I have difficulties handling it, or there are just so many sources of stress and pressure in my life, that would break anyone. Sometimes I can’t decide if stress is too much or I handle it badly, or I just don’t spend enough time to rest and regenerate. Whatever the problem is, or whatever combination of these, something is wrong in my life, I am pretty sure of that. I am sure, because there are clear signs of it. I experience strange and weird things, more and more often lately. Just like a couple of years ago, when I started having heart arrhythmias more frequently, and I started to worry about it so much after a while, that it manifested itself in panic attacks. And I was naive enough to make myself examined, because I thought it must be diabetes or something else, until I realized, that these were only my heavy fears because of my heart condition. Now I experience something similar again and again.

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[Aug 2012] Cancer or Heart Attack Please?

Last weekend I broke down. My body sent me a serious signal, that I should decrease my pace, because it is killing me. It was a very difficult and demanding week, not the first in a row. Then on Saturday morning we went down to some village with my girlfriend and my friends, to celebrate the wedding of a friend of mine. That was where the problems started.

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Success and Breakdown

I’ll tell the very short story of my life, or rather how it seemed to me or to any outsider until about three years ago. And then I’ll tell how this seemingly wonderful life turned into a nightmare, how I got from success to complete breakdown, in a way, that I had no clue about what is going on with me and inside me. All this within just a little more than a year.

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Doubts

It’s been a while since I first had the desire that I want to start a blog. Exactly because of the reasons and goals I’ve started this blog, just like I detailed it in my introduction. Also because in the last few years I have noted down lots of my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and realizations in my diary, or whatever I call it. Sometimes I’ve shared my writing with a few friends, who has read it with interest, understanding and support, and they’ve encouraged me to share my thoughts with a wider audience.

And still, until now, a lots of things have kept me back to start. Aboundance of negative thoughts, fears, and doubts…

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Introduction

If I want to summarize this blog with one word, what this blog is all about, then it would be the word “change”. This blog is about change, and about if it is possible at all, or if it has barriers. I want to write about difficulties, suffering, misery, darkness, dread, hopelesness, shame, and struggling with all these. And about the way out, or about looking for the way out. It is about if there is a way out of mental and emotional problems, depression, anxiety, panic, shame, and traumas. If it is possible to be happy and free. If it is possible to become happy and free. I don’t know the answer yet myself, I just hope that all this is possible…

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