[Sept 2012] Fears, Thoughts and Writing

Just like I realized it years ago, I am unable to honestly recall and experience feelings much after I experienced them. That’s why I think it is important to write them down when I am right in the middle of them, or at least as soon as possible. Because if I don’t do that, later I won’t be able to recall and describe them half as genuinly as before. On the other hand I have a strong tendency to forget or minimize them, just as if they weren’t serious at all. A totally hopeless and desperate situation can seem completely different and harmless to me the next day. Sometimes I can’t even take my own feelings seriously after one day, except if I am able to read my painful thoughts and feelings from the previous day. That’s why it is important for me to write of my thoughts as much as possible these days, because I feel like there are wars going on inside me, and I am going through the most important transformation of my life, day by day, week by week.

Why am I here, where I am? What do I feel, when I am in panic? What am I afraid of? What illusions do I have about what is going to happen? What do I imagine when I am in panic, or when I am under a lot of pressure?

I am unable to relax… I feel a constant urge to change the world and the course of things, I can’t just be an observer and accept everything the way it is. My mind is constantly in the future, thinking about what I have to do and when. I can’t live in the present, I can’t just ignore the future. Under big pressure, facing a huge challenge, I am totally unable to calm down for a single moment, because I think it is impossible to escape the challenge and my duty. Even if I rest for an hour, or for a day, after getting back on track, I’ll be at the same place, facing my duties, and those duties, those “todo”-s won’t be any easier, and won’t be solved without me. And I can’t help thinking about this during my rest…

In the last 6 months I had to face the heaviest ordeals of my life. After my father was diagnosed with advanced stomach cancer, the whole family has been fighting for his life day by day. I often feel that I could handle and treat this very well. Other times I feel that I have serious unresolved tensions and feelings deep inside of me, that I can’t even bring to the surface, let alone resolve them. I am facing the most demanding times at my work, with crazy amount of challenges, with lots of overtime in the evenings, nights and weekends, with huge responsibilities, unrealistic deadlines, under enormous pressure. Even my sport-life was overshadowed by my heart arrhythmias again, that causes me horrible feelings of helplessness and mortal fear, that makes it impossible for me to enjoy sport. I am also torturing myself with being late in life, because I’ve always wanted to try working abroad, and/or building and own venture, and I haven’t started either of these yet. Lately I started having strong bodily symptoms with constant fatigue and exhaustion, sleeping-problems, lost sexual interest, and minor panic-attacks. After finishing my most important project I was wise enough to get as many days off as possible, so I spent 18 days away from work in order to keep my sanity and health. I think I wasn’t far away from the complete breakdown, and to be honest, I still think I am not far from that.

I started reading the books of Jon Kabat-Zinn. The books that I’ve always felt that one day they will cross my path, only that I haven’t known when that was going to happen, in what form and from which author. I’ve finally found it, in a shape and from an author that I couldn’t wish any better. And I feel that the timing is so perfect, as if God himself had sent this to me, when I needed it the most.

During these demanding times, my thirst to embrace the thoughts and teachings of Kabat-Zinn grew constantly, because I felt and knew, that I have great need for them, and I knew that I have to change my life seriously and foundamentally, because I am heading to a disaster. I’ve already envisioned myself with a nervous breakdown, a heart attack, or cancer. These fears got stronger in me, since I had to maintain a closer relationship with cancer, through the sickness of my father. A few days ago I had this dream that I went to this special cancer screening (PET CT), that screens my whole body. They showed me that there are parts of my body where the results were pink, which is on the treshold, that doesn’t mean cancer yet, but it is very close to the red signals of cancer. I interpreted this as another warning signal, not simply my irrational fears of my cancer.

The more I read about mindfulness and meditation, the more questions and contradictions emerge in me, that become clearer with time one after the other, just to give space to the new questions. I think this path leads to the more comprehensive understanding. The more I practice meditation, the more I get in touch with my feelings and condition, and this brings huge inner tensions and fights to the surface, that I haven’t been aware of at all, let alone handle them properly. In my heart I am determined, and with my mind I know, that this path is the right path for me, that is going to lead me to enlightenment (whatever that means) and harmony, although I have heavy doubts and fears sometimes. I am facing huge waves, tossed between perfect harmony and total desperation day by day, or rather hour by hour. I still believe that I have to walk this road, and I have to experience every up and down to be able to understand, learn and solve what I have to. Sometimes I feel it would be nice to have someone like Jon Kabat-Zinn in my life, a mentor or something to talk about my problems along the way. Other times I feel like these realizations are more valubale when realized by myself, alone, without any help. Sometimes I feel I won’t be able to deal with it, that I am going to be lost and I need help, other times I am just flowing along…

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