[Oct 2012] Difficulties Getting Permanent

Another horrible day is over, or rather horrible days, since I returned to work after my days off. My father fainted in the hospital two days ago, when he was on a blood test. The nurses panicked, and I almost passed out myself seeing all this. After he had regained consciousness, he was as pale as he would have been dead for weeks. I had to push his lean and weak body to the chemotherapy department in a wheelchair. Yesterday the whole situation repeated, only I was lucky enought not to be there. It was a horrible experience for me, that made me cry yesterday evening, which is good news to me, because I haven’t been able to cry for a very long time. After that I wasn’t able to sleep, and at 5 am I woke up in panic, because someone was heavily knocking on the door of my apartment with a metal-sounding tool. I was scared as hell. My girlfriend was in complete shock. By the time I got to the door and looked through the hole, nobody was there. I have no idea who that might have been and what he might have wanted. I tossed and turned for another hour and a half, and when I could finally sleep again, my alarm started ringing.

After this horrible night I had to drive two hours to this work conference, where I had to give a presentation for 100-150 people. This is stressful enough by itself, especially after my last days. I was drifted between the states of complete calmness and sheer heart attack, until 5 minutes before my presentation. Then I threw in my towel, because I felt for sure that I am incapable to stand in front of this crowd. I said I had to leave because of some family urgency, and my presentation should be postponed for tomorrow. Then I asked a colleague to step, but finally they removed my presentation completely from the schedule, because it wasn’t that interesting or important. Then I jumped into my car and drove home.

After this I spent my whole day in my bed. I was hardly able to eat, and I felt horrible because of running away. Although I know for sure, that I would have broke down in front of everybody, if I didn’t escape. I am still shaking just thinking about it, although I solved situations like these before. I slept a few hours in the afternoon, then I watched the movie Alive about the air-catastrophe of the rugby team of Uruguay in the Andes, just to feel myself even worse. It worked very well, I felt even more miserable. Then I talked a few words with my parents, who became desperate, just by hearing my voice. Then I meditated, which calmed me down to some degree, but since then my mind wants to blow up again, I am so frustrated and tense. I am trying to read, but I can’t really listen. I am so scared. I don’t really know why or of what. Mostly of everything. I am scared of that my father is going to die soon, in the midst of horrible sufferings. I am scared that I will have to talk in front of an audience like today. I am scared of what those people might think about me, who saw my flight today. I am afraid of having to perform again at work next week, where I got two new projects on top of the already-existing four. I am afraid of the next panic-attack, that it will come at the worst possible time. I am afraid that I am going to pass out next time. I am afraid that my health is going to suffer, and my heart is going to stop during sport or sex or whatever. I feel like I am afraid of everything.

Today I went for a run, just to discharge some of the huge tension in me. By the time I got home, I was even more tense, than when I had started off. Instead of having sport as a tool for discharging stress and tension, it became a source of stress in my life, because of my real or imaginary health issues. After about 10 minutes of running, my heart gave a few leaps and lost his rhythm completely for a few seconds. It made me terribly frightened, also because my tolerance level is so fuckin’ low these days. After that I only dared walking instead of running, in the pace of a very old man. At home I made a few pushups that sucked out the blood out of my brain and pushed it into my muscles. This made me dizzy after standing back up, mostly because I am in a bad shape, especially my upper body, and I hardly ate anything today and yesterday. Despite of these circumstances the dizzyness scared so much, that I almost had a panic attack. I could hardly drag myself to take a shower. After that I sat down to write out my feelings. It helped again, just like almost always. I feel better, just by writing these lines. I am a little more objective about myself, and my narrow mind widened a bit about the experiences of these last few hours.

I was just thinking that I have these tools at hand, when I feel myself in trouble or in panic: meditation (that I am just getting familiar with), sport (which can be a source of stress, but altogether it helps me really a lot), and writing (that I underestimate sometimes, but it always helps).

My heart scared me again several times during today. I panicked during driving home to my parents, then during lunch, and then during my soccer game in the evening, I also felt that I don’t really know where I am and what I am doing. I am in such a struggle constantly. I am so scared when I feel like I am losing control and my sanity. I am trying to enjoy it, but it doesn’t really work. No matter how hard I am trying to convince myself, that some people pay money to lose control, by taking drugs, it doesn’t make me any happier. I am scared of it. I am not able to be happy in the midst of panic and mortal fear. It is so difficult to grasp the idea of growing without wanting to get anywhere with meditation. If I want to get somewhere, then I admit that it is not good where I am in my life now. It is so difficult to understand it and live life accordingly. I’ve always looked for, fought for and reached goals. This attitude of meditation is just not understandable to me. But I am still determined and I am doing everything needed. I did some sport today, I am writing a few lines right now, and I am going to meditate as well, just to make a perfect day.

I think these are the days, that will always keep me down on Earth, not the be too confident or arrogant or anything like that, just by remembering what I went through these months.


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