[Nov 2012] Temporary Relief

I’ve had a wonderful week. The first full 5-workday week, since I came back from my holiday. The beginning of it was very difficult, because I felt that my tolerance-level was still very low. I struggled very hard through Tuesday, when I had to visit a new customer, where I was introduced as the new project manager. That day was very difficult for me. On Wednesday I went to work with the thought “just get over it” in my head. Then I realized, that the day is over, it went very well, I could accomplish quite a lot, and I am full of energy. Thursday evening I felt that I was so full of passion, that I have to slow down, not to get sucked in and overwhelmed by work again.

In the beginning of the week the only thing I wanted is to survive, and by the end of the week I was full of energy and plans again, and I could hardly stop working. I am grateful very grateful for this feeling. I feel like meditation, reading and thinking really helps me. I feel like I should thank meditation a lot, and without it I wouldn’t be where and how I am now. I also feel that tremendous tensions and wars are going on deep inside me. With my strength, balance and confidence coming back, I start forgetting about where I came from and how deep I was just a couple weeks ago. Very deep I was! So deep, like never ever before! I see my old crazy, mindless life meeting and confilcting with my new, deeper, slower, more mindful, more aware, happier life. That is the real challenge: the question is how will I be able to build my new life into the old, to be happy and successful at the same time, without abusing my body and my soul, and without drifting away to a breakdown, just like I did.

My life hasn’t become easier, I still live difficult days sometimes, but I am coping with it much better. I am trying to be mindful, I rest and meditate a lot, and I am trying to live my life fully, minute by minute, doing things step by step. This helps a lot. I don’t know where I would be now without the books of Kabat-Zinn, but I don’t really want to ruminate on this.

Tomorrow I am going to have a very difficult and very long day. Now it is late evening already, and I am still wired with the mobile ECG event-recorder machine, that they gave me at the hospital. I went for a run today as well, in order to record as much as possible of the scary little actions of my heart. I feel like I did a good job, I recorded things I used to experience. During the night I’ll leave this gadget on me, but in the morning I’ll take it off, and have a decent shower finally. Then I go to the oncology with my father to listen the latest verdict based on last week’s CT scan. I don’t expect any good anymore, I always just try to prepare for the worst. I don’t even hope. This doesn’t make it any better, it is still horrible to listen to it again. I feel the tension already, just thinking about it. So far, about his cancer, it was always the worst possible, from day one. We have never heard any good news about it, except maybe that he didn’t have any metastasis when diagnosed. But we have that now of course.

In the afternoon I am going to take the ECG back to the cardiology institute, to see what the machine shows. This would be in itself more than enough for a day, let alone going to the oncology with my father.

I am trying to be strong, I really do everything, to change my life for good, not just temporarily!

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