If I want to summarize this blog with one word, what this blog is all about, then it would be the word “change”. This blog is about change, and about if it is possible at all, or if it has barriers. I want to write about difficulties, suffering, misery, darkness, dread, hopelesness, shame, and struggling with all these. And about the way out, or about looking for the way out. It is about if there is a way out of mental and emotional problems, depression, anxiety, panic, shame, and traumas. If it is possible to be happy and free. If it is possible to become happy and free. I don’t know the answer yet myself, I just hope that all this is possible…
Oh, and one more thing, before I move further. For the readers, who are turned down by poor grammar and poor language (I am kind of allergic of it, so I understand): I am not native English, so I am pretty sure that I will make a lot of mistakes, and I will use strange or incorrect expressions very often. But I have made a decision that I still want to write a blog in English, and I belive and hope, that the barriers of language and my level of English won’t be too big to prevent me from conveying what I want to say. I also hope that my English will improve along the way. I warmly welcome every constructive comment on my English, in order to express myself even better in the future.
I have a lot of problems myself. I am full of doubt, insecurity, anxiety, and shame. There is one thing nevertheless, why I still have the courage to jump into this endeavor and share my experiences. It is the fact that in the last few years, since I had to face these really serious emotional and mental problems, I had taken every possible method and tool to get myself out of this pit, that seemed acceptable and reasonable to me. And that is a lot. Also, I haven’t just tried things hoping I will be lucky. I did things hard, persistently, and I’ve never accepted easy answers, symptomatic and temporary solutions. This attitude gave me some perspective about the tools, methods and schools available, about their usefulness and limitations. These tons of books, web-pages, blogs, CDs, videos, presentations, workshops, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapies, therapy groups, support groups, and their limitations and deficiencies are the motivations for me to write about mental problems and their treatments from a different point of view, from the patient’s point of view, from my point of view.
However, there are a few things I am missing from these sources and tools.
If something doesn’t help me, then there must be something wrong with me, right?
I really have tried lots of things in the last few years: dozens of books, all kinds of youtube videos, meditation, yoga, sport, individual therapy (with a therapist), group sessions, psychodrama, congnitive therapy, schema therapy, hypnosis, etc. The tools available talk only about a narrow range of this wide palette, but usually I have the feeling, that this must be “the method” that helps, that solves everything, it doesn’t have any limitations, and it is helpful and effective for everybody. Therefore, if it doesn’t work for me, than it is obvious, that I am the one to blame, since the method is universal and it has already turned lots of people’s lives into everlasting happiness. Sometimes this makes me feel even more miserable, than before I had started. My own experience tells me that every book and tool I’ve tried helped me a bit, but every method had certaion limitations, and I would not dare to say on any one of them, that “this is it, this is the one method”. And of course there must be methods that I haven’t tried, although they might had helped me a lot.
Talking about suffering and hopelesness with wide smile and radiating confidence?
I’ve read many books and watched many talks about depression, anxiety, shame, suffering, panic, pain, and traumas. Many of whom write or talk about these subjects went through such experiences in their life. Many of them are motivated to talk about this and help others by their own experiences and suffering. But this openness and honesty happens when they’ve already solved most of their problems and the things they are talking about are already behind them. I watch a youtube video or a TED talk, and I see a healthy, balanced, brave, emotionally stable, happy, proud adult person, who tries to talk to me about pain, anxiety and shame, and about how to overcome them.
I kind of have the same feeling, when someone gets rich somehow, and then believes that it has all happened because of him, because of his genius, of his confidence, of his fate and persistence, although it could be lots of other factors, like luck or anything else. And then he starts telling everybody how to do this and that, and if I am not able to do it myself, then it must be my fault. Then I think to myself: I would really like to see that faith and confidence, when he could barely pay the bills and the rent for the small apartment he was living in, and when everything seemed to collapse around him. But this is something people don’t like to talk about that much.
Getting back to emotional issues, people telling their own stories used to mention, that emotional development is a long process with lots of suffering, that needs perseverance, bla, bla, bla. But really, how much suffering? And the fact that I am trying for years now, and every second day is a nightmare in hell for me, is it all normal? Or am I doing something completely utterly wrong? Or am I myself a factory-made faulty product, and shouldn’t even try? Should I believe that I will succeed, just because he succeeded? Who can guarantee that? Why is it obvious that I will be able to do it, just because many others did it before me? We always hear the sound of those, who are successful! It is always the rich who talk about poverty and getting rich! It is always the emotionally healthy and seemingly happy who write books about their suffering!
And what about those who couldn’t make it?
Yes, indeed, where are those, who could not succeed? To whom nobody helped? To whom nobody shown the way? Wo didn’t know that there is a help at all? Those who picked a book from the shelf, read it, but it didn’t work. And because of their disappointment, they didn’t make the effort to start it all over again. What about those who live in pain and suffering day by day? And those who can only bear reality with alcohol, drugs or pills? And those who got literally, phisically sick because of the emotional pain? And those who are treated in different mental institutions? What about those who were told that they are fundamentally and unchangeably wrong and sick to the core? What about those who commited suicide, because they couldn’t bear the everyday pain anymore? What about them? Where are they? And why don’t we hear their voices? We don’t hear it, because we don’t like to hear it. But how many of them are there? And who are they? And what do they live through every day? And how many of them can get out of it, how many of them heals, and how many of them writes books about their experiences to talk about it in a nice suit and with a confident smile? And how many of them wait only for the relief of death? And what about those who are on the right path, but are tormented by doubts? And maybe they are going to give it all up tomorrow, if someone doesn’t encourage them today.
If I think about that there is 50 million Xanax prescription a year in the United States alone, then I think they are many, and they are among us.
How is the way supposed to be?
When I was really down, and I saw my life and my chance to ever be “normal” very hopeless, then I felt like I could use someone who is sitting in the same deep shit that I am sitting. I want to read and listen to him. I felt like it would be good to see how rough this road really is. I needed someone who doesn’t only talk about the beginning (pain) and end (happiness) of the road, but also how much (time, pain, suffering, etc) does it take to get there from the start. How difficult “should” it be, and how long is it going to take. That what I experience is normal or am I doing something really wrong. I could use something like this, but no matter how much I was looking for it, I only found abandoned blogs or blog-initiatives, with only a few posts, many years old. And then now continuation. How should I interpret this? What happend to the blogger? Where does his “road” lead? I don’t know, and I better don’t think about it at all.
Who am I and what do I want here?
And now to the point…
Contrary to the above examples, I am no doctor, no psychiatrist, no psychologist, no yogi, no religious leader, no guru that has solved everything. I am only a guy, who found himself in the jungle of emotional problems and tries to get out of it somehow, and tries to grasp every possible tool. Although I am very determined, I am tormented by doubts, uncertainties, and axieties on a daily basis. Briefly, I am deep and right in the middle of it. And I have decided that I want to write about it right now, not when I might feel that I am already over it. If I’ll ever feel that way.
And why do I write, what is my goal, what do I expect of it? Several things.
I have selfish goals:
- Maybe the biggest issue of my life is that I can be so deeply ashamed of myself, my feelings and my problems. So I thought coming out of hiding and of the darkness where shame wants to push me all the time, and finding a way to take on myself and my problems, might help me fight and heal my shame.
- I also hope (or rather wish), that I can get support and empathy from people, who read my writings. I also hope that comments give me a chance to listen to other people’s stories and experiences, and opinions of my own problems, from which I can heal through viewing myself and my problems from a different angle.
And I have a few unselfish goals as well:
- I would like to help others with my writings and through sharing my problems, my feelings and my journey.
- I also want to fill that gap, that I would have needed: reading someone’s searching for the right path, when he is right in the middle of it.
Who I am NOT and what is definetely NOT my goal
As I’ve already said, I am not a professional, and I am not over anything at all. I don’t want to preach to anyone, I don’t want to tell anyone what to do or how to do it, I don’t want to tell what’s right or wrong, what is working or not. Mostly because I don’t know it myself.
When I started dealing with my problems and with myself a few years ago, I always felt after reading a new book or after trying a new method, that new world opens up for me and new possibilities emerge, and I thought that everybody should see and know these. I felt like everybody needs meditation / therapy / self-knowledge / etc. Today, a few years later I am much more careful and cautious. Seeing all that effort, work, difficulties and pain that is needed along the way, I am more modest. I don’t want to talk anyone into taking this endeavor. I don’t take the responsibility for such a thing. However I don’t want to discourage anyone either. I don’t know where this path leads, or if it was worth taking it. I only want to believe it was worth it.
All I want is to show my own experieces and feelings, and let you decide if you want to do the same or not…