It’s been a while since I first had the desire that I want to start a blog. Exactly because of the reasons and goals I’ve started this blog, just like I detailed it in my introduction. Also because in the last few years I have noted down lots of my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and realizations in my diary, or whatever I call it. Sometimes I’ve shared my writing with a few friends, who has read it with interest, understanding and support, and they’ve encouraged me to share my thoughts with a wider audience.
And still, until now, a lots of things have kept me back to start. Aboundance of negative thoughts, fears, and doubts…
- Who on earth would be interested in my opinion, in my life, in my experiences? Who could be interested in my little, simple, ordinary, boring life?
- What new can I say to anyone, when there are so many books and blogs about these kinds of sentimental, psycholgical stuff?
- How do I have the courage to write a blog about experiences and realizations, when there are authors on the “market” like Mark Manson, Jon Kabat-Zinn or John Bradshaw? Who am I compared to them? What can I say that they haven’t known and hasn’t been said before?
- How do I have the privilege to help others and tell the truth, when I am sitting in deep shit myself?
- What will happen if I won’t be able to compose sentences in a decent way? What if I write shitty? What if my style will be annoying? Or if I will be annoying to someone?
- I have no clue how to write a blog or how to write in an interesting and readable way. I should read and learn about writing before. I should take a course or something. I need a certificate before actually writing.
- Anyway, it is way too big and lenghty work, to get anything meaningful out of it. It is so big that it is not worth even starting.
- What if they find out? What if it is going to be read by someone I don’t want to? What if they find out my deepest secrets?
- What if I will hurt someone from my own life with my writings? What I will make someone angry? How will I be able to bear that?
- What if it will turn out that I was wrong, if I was mistaken? What if my thoughts and views of the world are totally infantile and silly?
- What if I am totally alone with my problems? What if nobody will understand me?
- What if my thoughts and feelings are completely weird and sick?
- What’s the whole point of it after all? Am I really thinking that this could be a good idea?
- I am just pointlessly thinking and talking and writing about my feelings and about my life, instead of actually living them. Just like I did it my whole life…
These thoughts and doubts are still with me, like always before. I still believe them sometimes, and they still cause me anxious and shameful feelings. When this happens, I become uncertaion and insecure. Maybe a little less than one or two years before, but still.
But now I’ve decided that I don’t give a shit about them, one by one!