I’ve been sleeping very poorly this week. I had these weird, messy dreams about my father. I was nervous during most of the days, mostly because of trying days at work. I am missing women. My girlfriend is still away. Although I don’t miss particularly her but women in general.
My therapist told me to think about my family. I didn’t know why was that important, but I did it anyway, like a good obedient student. I never really thought about the importance of family. I never knew what I had to do with them, or what we had in common. Nothing I thought. But this time I wanted to think particularly about what we had in common.
Interesting… We have more in common than I thought.
I try to control uncontrollable things. I feel like I have to! And I always fail… I am kind of a control freak…
Continue reading [Jun 2013] Controlling the Uncontrollable
I am restless. It is Monday evening, and I started this week at a frantic pace. I didn’t want to work on Sunday evening, I woke up early today instead. I arrived at the office at 9 am which is very unusual. I had planned, done, and arranged a lot already before the usual 10 am project management meeting. I stayed very active and motivated in the afternoon too. After work, I rushed through the city to the service with my car. As I arrived home, I didn’t feel like working more, so I started to read instead. I am reading five books at the same time, like a maniac. Then I decided to work a little, arranged some stuff for tomorrow, and kept on reading. It was already past 7 pm when I started feeling restless and uneasy again. I wanted to do everything, everything at the same time.
Continue reading [Jun 2013] I Want Everything
It is way past midnight. I am sick, I have a bad cold with a mild fever. Today was the worse. I can’t even sleep. I woke up late, and I am not sleepy enough to sleep. I am just tossing and turning awake, in my sweaty pajamas and bed-clothes. I am a bit drowsy because of the medication but still can’t sleep. I can’t stop coughing. I am flooded with thoughts. I think I’ve never felt it so strongly how unhappy I am in my relationship.
Continue reading [May 2013] Relationship Prison
After yesterday’s party, I woke up today with an aching throat. I could hardly swallow. I went back to sleep and got out of bed at 1 am, with slight remorse about letting the hours slip out of my hands. On top of that, I didn’t do anything at work yesterday so that the remorse might be for that too. I prepared breakfast with tea, in the meantime watching a supposed-to-be-funny project-management parody about failed and fucked-up projects, stressed out project managers and developers. It was supposed to be entertaining – and it was indeed -, but it had a very different impact on me.
Continue reading [May 2013] Reframing Negative Thoughts
As I said earlier, I am somewhat unhappy with my love relationship. My girlfriend went to study abroad for a couple of months, and I went to visit him this weekend. I wanted to talk to her about the problems I had in our relationship.
Continue reading [May 2013] My Love Relationship
I’ve read an interesting thought in Kabat-Zinn‘s book “The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness“. He is writing about the mechanisms of depression, that our problem-solving capabilities can prove ineffective, or rather counter-productive when dealing with feelings, especially with negative feelings. Because the more we ruminate – trying to stop an otherwise fleeting feeling – the bigger problem we generate for ourselves. This hit me as a revelation because this is exactly what I am doing very often. I am trying to figure out and solve things, and keep ruminating about as if there was a rational solution for them.
Continue reading [May 2013] Negative Thoughts