I woke up being nervous, with pre-performance anxiety in my legs, only because I knew I had to take over my brother’s birthday cake in a public place, namely in the candy store. I arrived with Sophie, but I left her in the car and went in alone. I was confident and patient, although I felt terrible anxiety inside. We stopped at the gas station too, which also made me nervous. Then I drove her home to her parents and went to my mother’s house to celebrate my brother’s birthday.
Social phobia, or social anxiety disorder. I found the expression on Wikipedia accidentally yesterday evening while reading the mindfulness article. According to Wikipedia, social anxiety is an anxiety disorder characterized by a significant amount of fear in one or more social situations, causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life. Reading about it was an epiphany to me. I realized that this is the very concept that describes my condition most accurately.
The long non-awaited day has finally come today. The day of the trial. I was unlucky enough to see a bad fight between two employees of a customer of mine. The one sued the other, and I had to go to the trial as a witness. I’ve been feeling terrible, often unbearable increasing anxiety for the last few days. Yesterday afternoon on my regular weekly therapy session we were discussing the trial for the whole hour. Talking, relaxation, everything. I was extremely fearful, but I decided I go, whether I like it or not. I was afraid that I was going to be so anxious that I pass out, in front of everybody. I tried to accept this possibility, no matter how ashamed I was.
I have a dream. A nightmare that’s been haunting me for decades, since my early childhood.
I am sitting in the office, and I am terrified. I had to play two 40-minute matches last evening. By the end, I was so exhausted that I could hardly move or say a word. After I got home, and I was having a long skype conversation with Alex, my heart started beating strangely. It made me dreadful. I could hardly fall asleep after that. I woke up depressed this morning. When I came to the office, my heart started giving strange beats again. It scared the shit out of me. It took me almost half an hour to calm down after the shock.
I am a textbook example of a perfectionist. And it sucks. Perfectionism is my obsession that grabs my throat every now and then.
It is Friday afternoon. I just got home from the office. I could manage to tie-up the loose ends, so today I went to the office for the first time with nothing other to do than my only programming task I undertook before I leave. Just like in good old days, four years ago, when I was doing software development instead of project management. I had to concentrate only on the programming task at hand, nothing else. Despite this, I am still nervous, and it bothers me a lot.