[Oct 2013] My Crumbling Belief System

I am sitting in the office, and I am terrified. I had to play two 40-minute matches last evening. By the end, I was so exhausted that I could hardly move or say a word. After I got home, and I was having a long skype conversation with Alex, my heart started beating strangely. It made me dreadful. I could hardly fall asleep after that. I woke up depressed this morning. When I came to the office, my heart started giving strange beats again. It scared the shit out of me. It took me almost half an hour to calm down after the shock.

I am still not feeling well. I’d like to go home and hide under the cover in my bed, and stay there for the whole day. I don’t even want to play soccer in the evening because I am afraid of my heart arrhythmias. I don’t want to do anything, just hide from the world and cry in the dark.

Last weekend was my 12-year high-school class reunion, but without me. I didn’t go. I wasn’t in the mood. I didn’t want to talk about my fucked-up life and my situation, just to get pity. Pretending everything was great, I wanted to do that even less. I rather told I was sick, and I went home to visit my family, just to leave the four walls of my apartment. I told my mother that I had quit my job. He received it much better than I expected. She was understanding and supporting, and held back the usual “Oh my God, what is going to happen to us now?” panic. It felt good, this support was exactly what I needed from her.

In the first 30 years of my life, I have built a carefully crafted belief system. The way I see life and the world, things I value and matter to me, the basis of the decisions and actions I make. And now the whole building started creaking, shaking, and falling apart. Fundamental building blocks get questioned to the point when I don’t see it possible to keep the structure together. I am afraid that it needs to be demolished to the ground and built up again from scratch, using more abiding components. I know it’s going to take a long time, but I don’t see any other choice.

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