I woke up with eternal emptiness today. I felt like I had a fever. My body was aching, and I was terribly tense, or rather nervous. I was sleepy, tired, exhausted, and completely empty inside. After I had got out of bed, I had to realize that I didn’t have a fever, I didn’t have a sore throat, and nothing else was really aching in my body. Except the realization that I pushed my girlfriend away, and threw away an almost two-year-old relationship. In the last few days, after the fucked-up break-up, I hadn’t really dealt with it, I had repressed it somewhere deep down. I hadn’t given myself time to work through it, I buried myself in work and other duties instead. But this morning it all came back and warned me that I had more to do with it inside me. I am not feeling well, I have to give myself more time to work this through.
I met her again today evening, as we had fixed it earlier. I wanted to discuss and straighten things a bit. I wanted to tell her decently what I had thought and felt, that had led me here to see no other option but to finish it. I was afraid how she would feel and how the evening would go. She was strong. She cried a lot during the evening but so did I. I expected anger and rage, but she didn’t show any. Instead, there was a lot of sadness and intimacy, on both sides.
We went to the bank of the river. The weather was cool and rainy. All the restaurants and bars were almost completely empty. We walked around a little, then sat down to a quiet little corner of a small restaurant. I ordered something to eat because I had hardly eaten anything all day. She didn’t want to eat anything. I started talking. I told her about the last year that I didn’t care about our relationship as much as I should have. I didn’t care enough. I had put all my energy into my father’s cancer. I didn’t listen to the things that bothered me or to the things I didn’t like in out relationship. Later, when I realized my dislikes, I couldn’t do much about them, because she was studying abroad, far away, alone, and I didn’t want to bother and pressure her with these from here because it was already difficult enough for her there. I told her about how difficult and sad it was for me that I couldn’t lean on her during my father’s sickness. I felt I couldn’t talk about these things with her. I felt like she couldn’t handle this, that it was more difficult for her than to me. She thought she helped me the most if she hadn’t even talked about this. As if it hadn’t even existed. Unfortunatelly she was very wrong about this. And I was very wrong about not telling her this earlier. Talking about this to her now, it teared up all the scars of this horrible year, the problems, the pains of my father’s cancer, living with all that pressure. Fighting all alone, taking care of everybody on my own and being unable to talk about it, being unable to ask for help. I was sobbing painfully for long-long minutes. I told her how one-sided our relationship was to me, and how much I couldn’t see any other way out than breaking up.
She was happy about finally being able to talk honestly and openly. I knew that something radical needed to happen to make me able to speak this freely. I thanked her for all the beautiful things I received from her, all the understanding and support. I wanted her to know that there were lots of wonderful and beautiful things happening between us too. I told her how much I loved her and I was always going to.
She told me how I had hurt her the other day by telling her I couldn’t look up to her. I could only cry about it, I was so sorry. I was indeed sorry, terribly sorry. I was sorry about everything, but I knew this was the right decision because there was too much of a gap between my feelings and how I should feel in a healthy relationship. I tried talking about what an opportunity this is for her to live a new life, independent of her parents and of me. He didn’t agree, and I regretted bringing this up. I shouldn’t have.
What was strange to me, thinking about this evening when I came home, was that she didn’t protest at all, she wasn’t angry, she didn’t blame me for giving it up too early. She could have done it easily, and she would be right to some degree, at least I couldn’t have said much in my defense. Just a few days after our break-up, she just accepted everything without a bad word, despite the deep pain and sorrow she might have felt. She accepted everything and submitted to me, just like in our relationship… It is very painful to me. I really hope she will be able to move on. I love her and I want her to be happy, but I can’t make her happy anymore…