By the age of 30, I accomplished the lamest, most disastrous and disgraceful break up of my life. She gathered her stuff and left me standing here speechless, but before she had given me a lecture about relationships. She told me that it couldn’t work in a way that only one of us puts in the work and energy. She lectured me, and she was absolutely right.
I didn’t put my energy and work into it because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to fight for her, and I didn’t want to make her happy. And I had let all this frustration continue to grow, so far, that almost she was the one who broke up with me. I was unable to express my thoughts, feelings, and desires. While my father was alive (and sick), I told myself I didn’t want to change things in such difficult times. I blamed everything on his cancer. After that, I blamed everything on her approaching studies abroad. Then I blamed everything on her being away. I just procrastinated facing and solving the real problems. Then she just arrived home. Then she had a birthday. I kept on going silently, pretending everything was fine until there was no way back. I let her inquire me, and told her the truth. But I wasn’t strong enough and man enough to tell her what I thought and how I felt. I let her wash the floor with me, and leave her love as an angry fighter.
She left me here alone. It is all over. I don’t feel any relief, and I am so deeply ashamed. I feel guilt, but I am unable to cry. I admire her for what she did. After a long time, I admire her again!
The next day I wrote her a letter, mostly to easy my pain and guilt:
I wanted to talk to You today, but then I thought I better don’t disturb you. Still, I have to write at least a few lines of the many thoughts that are going on in my mind.
I am very sorry about how things went yesterday. You didn’t deserve this, I didn’t want this, especially not this way. It is really painful for me that I caused so much pain to you, because I love you, you are important to me, and I would do anything to stop your suffering.
My thoughts and feelings about our relationship wasn’t developing overnight, but yesterday I wasn’t able to properly articulate and communicate them. I also know how painful it might have been that I only told you bad things, as if nothing else had existed.
In a situation like this, bad things come to light, but you have to know, that I recieved lots of beautiful things, experiences, memories, love, and happiness from you, for that I am very grateful and won’t ever forget. Although I feel our lives are heading in different directions now, and we have drifted away from each other, but I have never met anyone who could give me so much understanding, love, and care. I am grateful for everything…
God, I cannot keep on writing. Thoughts are blurred in my mind… I am so sorry… I will continue this… I hope I won’t hurt you with that…