I woke up being nervous, with pre-performance anxiety in my legs, only because I knew I had to take over my brother’s birthday cake in a public place, namely in the candy store. I arrived with Sophie, but I left her in the car and went in alone. I was confident and patient, although I felt terrible anxiety inside. We stopped at the gas station too, which also made me nervous. Then I drove her home to her parents and went to my mother’s house to celebrate my brother’s birthday.
I burst into tears several times along the way. It felt good, especially because I can’t cry as often as I would like. I was crying for my father, for the painful memories I had been talking about to Sophie the previous day, for my anxiety that ruined my life, for everything that popped into my mind.
I arrived home feeling tired and a little relieved, but soon fear hit back on me. I wanted to cry it out, I wanted to tell everything to my mother, but I was too afraid of the consequences. I was scared that she was going to be more frightened than I was, and she would choke me with her desperate care. I wanted to talk about Sophie, too, because my mother didn’t know about her yet, but I kept on procrastinating this one as well.
Then my problem of isolation seemed to be solved. My mom became unwell again, just like a week ago. Her pulse and blood pressure went to the skies, and she could hardly breathe. This time I was sure it was nothing but a panic attack, caused by the enormous anxiety she was carrying after my father’s death. She had gone to a cardiac examination during the week, where they had found some minor problems on her ECG, but nothing significant or dangerous. She had received some medication for her heart and for her anxiety. She started talking about her feelings. She was crying. I felt sorry for her. She made me cry, too. My tears were not just for her, but for myself, too. To help us both, I told her about my anxiety, chronic nervousness, and occasional panic attacks. She got better after a while, and we both felt a little relieved after shedding so many tears.
We went for a pleasant walk to the lake with the dogs in the afternoon and visited my father’s grave at the cemetery.