grief – The Way Out

[Oct 2013] Reaching The Bottom

I feel an enormous black hole in my head. Cosmic, ringing emptiness. I feel like I have nothing to do and no reason to get up. I don’t want to see or hear anybody. I am afraid of everything and everybody. My body is one big cramp from head to toe. I decided yesterday evening that I would ask for an extra appointment with my therapist because I felt I hit the deepest bottom. And unlike ever before, this time I can’t see the way out. I am just sinking deeper and deeper every day in my anxieties and fears. I don’t want to suffer through any more days helplessly.

Continue reading [Oct 2013] Reaching The Bottom

[Jul 2013] Tears

I am at home. I didn’t go to the office today. I have a presentation at a potential new customer in the afternoon. It freaks me out nowadays. I go fuckin’ crazy about it. I’ve spent the whole day with meditation and yoga so far, to soothe my nerves. I even gave myself the possibility of canceling it. It is not the first time I have some performance, and I am unbearably nervous because of it. I have several experiences to summarize them now.

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[Jul 2013] What Am I Grieving for?

I had a horrible day. Another one. It is evening, and I am sitting on the bank of the river next to my favorite little promenade where I used to run. It is getting cold, I have put on my pullover. Tepid breeze is stroking my bare legs and my face. The river is flowing silently in front of me, almost without waves, but with a strong current. The sun has already set, but it isn’t dark yet. On the other side of the river, I can see an unknown, secret little world, with trees on the shore, behind them big factory buildings with lights. I see an anchored track-boat on the river, with flickering light from their cabin. I wonder how it would be to live on a boat like this, spending the nights alone on the river, on no-man’s land, entirely abandoned, near unknown shores, reading books by a candle. To me, it is tempting now. I desire for that loneliness, for that peace.

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[Apr 2013] Why am I Still Unwell?

I always used to be a little stronger than was actually needed. No matter what difficulty or challenge came up, I always knew I was going to be able to overcome it. And I was indeed. Or at least I used to be. Nowadays I am always a little weaker than what the actual situation demands. There are no easy problems or tasks anymore, that can not beat me, paralyze me, or cause unsolvable difficulties to me.

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[Apr 2013] Hope and Hopelessness

It really felt unpleasant to get up early morning. But I had to and I wanted to, for the mass for my father’s soul. I knew it was mere formality, and a better future might be ahead of me, after I had hit the bottom of the seemingly bottomless pit of suffering.

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[Apr 2013] Compassion in Grief

I am scheduling events in my calendar, and I don’t really believe it. It is absolutely unbelievable. As if it didn’t happen to me and to my daddy. I have events in my calendar like “Choosing grave”, “Going for father’s ashes”, “Father’s funeral”, “Mass for father”. So unbelievable, so distant, while I still have the reflex to grab my phone and call daddy to talk to him. Or that I just step by the hospital to visit him. Or many times I just don’t think about it, as if everything was alright, and he was living his little life at home, carefree…

Continue reading [Apr 2013] Compassion in Grief