Tag: anxiety

[Apr 2013] Why am I Still Unwell?

I always used to be a little stronger than was actually needed. No matter what difficulty or challenge came up, I always knew I was going to be able to overcome it. And I was indeed. Or at least I used to be. Nowadays I am always a little weaker than what the actual situation demands. There are no easy problems or tasks anymore, that can not beat me, paralyze me, or cause unsolvable difficulties to me.

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[Apr 2013] Hope and Hopelessness

It really felt unpleasant to get up early morning. But I had to and I wanted to, for the mass for my father’s soul. I knew it was mere formality, and a better future might be ahead of me, after I had hit the bottom of the seemingly bottomless pit of suffering.

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[Mar 2013] Relief in the Mountains

I still remember vaguely from morning, that the boys woke up and were preparing for the day, but I kept on sleeping. The next picture is one of my friends knocking on the glass-door of my room from the terrace. I opened the door, and the freezing cold air blew into my face. He asked me if I wanted to join him, but I said a firm no. I didn’t want to go anywhere. He went back skiing on the mountain, and I went back to sleep. I only woke up a few hours later. I haven’t had such a good long sleep for a very long time.

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[Mar 2013] March Madness

It had been a long hard week already, and it was only Thursday afternoon, but I knew the pleasant part of it was going to start, because we were going to go skiing with my friends next day. Wednesday morning we had brought father to the Oncology Institute to stay there for the first time, after another very difficult night. It was a relief to me, after the previous days, when he had been feeling really terrible. He could hardly sleep because of the pain and the water in his lungs again. My mother was really stressed out after those horrible nights they had suffered together. It was a relief to all of us – maybe even to father – when his oncologist told me to bring him in the hospital and let them treat and take care of him there. She told me that they were going to clean his lungs and fix whatever they can. So my father had got into good hands, my mother was able to sleep again, and I could go on my trip more peacefully, with less worry.

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[Mar 2013] Fighting Hard

God can see my soul, I am fighting so hard day in and day out, to keep myself together, to live a healthy life, in the middle of elemental storms attacking from all directions.

I’ve read a book of a psychiatrist, who had a patient, a young woman. She was always complaining whining, although she had everything to be happy, to live a successful life. But instead, she was always blaming others for her misery and failures, and never did the things she sould have done. He asked her if she had ever seen a disabled child trying to draw. The woman didn’t understand the question. He explained it to her: the child grabs the pencil so strong that it almost breaks in half, his little eyes google, they want to fall off their places, his vein wants to blow up in his neck, his tongue lolls out of his mouth. He hasn’t got much from God, but he uses every little drop of what he has, in order to create something on that paper. He is fighting with all his parts. And what does the woman do? She got everything, but all she does is crying that nothing works for her. If one day this little child meets God, I can see, that he is told: “Good job, little boy, you really did everything you could.”

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[Febr 2013] Work Issues

It is mid-afternoon and I am sitting idle at work, thinking with emptiness on my face. Why am I here? What am I doing? What’s the point? It’s been months since I have felt doing anything meaningful, making any value, producing or creating anything. I don’t feel that me being here means anything to the company. It’s not about creating anything, it is not about that for a long time. The enterprise sucked me in completely. I am just pushing papers and e-mails around, doing administration and bureaucracy, fighting people, doing politics. I am trying to get things done with little success, with lots of struggle and with impenetrable resistance. What’s the meaning of all this? Another few years and I myself will be one of the corporate-idiots, who adapted themselves perfectly to the system, who gave up doing anything meaningful for a long time, but learned perfect survival, self-defence, shifting responsibilities onto others and doing politics all day long. That means death to me, maybe worse than death. On the other hand, I am too weak to stand on my own feet, besides I am paid too well to just leave mindlessly. It wouldn’t be reasonable now anyway. But I don’t want to give up the possibility to make something meaningful in life!

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[Jan 2013] Mindfulness in Panic

I’m having these panic attacks sometimes, and meditation seems to teach me things that can be useful in those dark moments. The only thing is that most of the time I get so overwhelmed and frightened during a panic attack, that I lose sight of what to do and how to handle the situation in a mindful way. It is really not easy, even if I know I am in the middle of a panic attack, and I won’t die or something. It is still very scary and difficult, and I am also very confused about the right attitude.

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[Oct 2012] Difficulties Getting Permanent

Another horrible day is over, or rather horrible days, since I returned to work after my days off. My father fainted in the hospital two days ago, when he was on a blood test. The nurses panicked, and I almost passed out myself seeing all this. After he had regained consciousness, he was as pale as he would have been dead for weeks. I had to push his lean and weak body to the chemotherapy department in a wheelchair. Yesterday the whole situation repeated, only I was lucky enought not to be there. It was a horrible experience for me, that made me cry yesterday evening, which is good news to me, because I haven’t been able to cry for a very long time. After that I wasn’t able to sleep, and at 5 am I woke up in panic, because someone was heavily knocking on the door of my apartment with a metal-sounding tool. I was scared as hell. My girlfriend was in complete shock. By the time I got to the door and looked through the hole, nobody was there. I have no idea who that might have been and what he might have wanted. I tossed and turned for another hour and a half, and when I could finally sleep again, my alarm started ringing.

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[Aug 2012] Cancer or Heart Attack Please?

Last weekend I broke down. My body sent me a serious signal, that I should decrease my pace, because it is killing me. It was a very difficult and demanding week, not the first in a row. Then on Saturday morning we went down to some village with my girlfriend and my friends, to celebrate the wedding of a friend of mine. That was where the problems started.

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Success and Breakdown

I’ll tell the very short story of my life, or rather how it seemed to me or to any outsider until about three years ago. And then I’ll tell how this seemingly wonderful life turned into a nightmare, how I got from success to complete breakdown, in a way, that I had no clue about what is going on with me and inside me. All this within just a little more than a year.

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