![[Nov 2013] Conceptual Fear](https://wayout.blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/conceptualfear.jpg?w=825&h=510&crop=1)
It is a Saturday evening. We went with Sophie to watch a movie in our favorite plaza. About Time. My friend Steve recommended it to me. I wanted to go out in the evening by all means. Going to the cinema was a step in my “social rehabilitation,” a process that I have to work on every day. Slowly, step by step. I was very nervous while I was driving to the plaza. My mood was fluctuating wildly. I was afraid of everything that might happen there. My mind was out there in the future. “What is waiting for me in there? What do I have to do? What situations will I drift into? How will I react? What difficulties do I have to solve?
Category: Thoughts and Feelings
My thoughts and feelings
![[Nov 2013] Anxious Without a Cause](https://wayout.blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/fearfulchild.jpg?w=825&h=510&crop=1)
[Nov 2013] Anxious Without a Cause
I went out today with Sophie. We came to the coffee bar next corner. I have never been here before, but I have planned to visit it someday because sitting at home all day makes me crazy. I was already nervous before leaving home.
![[Nov 2013] My Worrying Brain](https://wayout.blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/worry.jpg?w=825&h=510&crop=1)
[Nov 2013] My Worrying Brain
I wake up relaxed, after a long sleep that I craved for. I feel easiness. The sun shines through the windows and the curtains. I hear the sound of birds and animals from outside. The weather is sparklingly lovely. I am bathing in the wonders surrounding me and the uplifting feelings inside. I want to immerse myself in the beauty of the present moment. It lasts for another few seconds when my thinking brain turns on and floods me with thoughts and pulls me back to another reality.
![[Nov 2013] Identity Without a Job](https://wayout.blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/jobless.jpg?w=660&h=440&crop=1)
[Nov 2013] Identity Without a Job
We are mostly unaware (at least I was) of how big part of our identity, self-image, self-esteem, and confidence is determined by our job, our everyday life, our daily routine, the communities we belong to and identify ourselves with.
![[Nov 2013] My Financial Needs](https://wayout.blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/moneyhole.jpg?w=712&h=420&crop=1)
[Nov 2013] My Financial Needs
After my recent struggles, after reevaluating things in my life and thinking about what is important and what is not, I changed the way I see my financial situation and my future needs. It is very current after I quitted my job because it is very likely that I won’t have a steady and significant income for some time, so I can only lean on my savings. How long my money is going to last is mostly determined by my needs, so it is essential to set things straight.
![[Oct 2013] The Power of Sport](https://wayout.blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/sport.jpg?w=612&h=359&crop=1)
[Oct 2013] The Power of Sport
Another horrible day. I pulled myself together by the afternoon, sat in my car, and drove up the hill for our soccer match with the boys. When I arrived there, an hour before the start, every single muscle in my body was in a cramp like concrete. I was trembling with fear. I was all alone on the field. I started walking up and down the pitch, thinking about my fears and if I could handle what would wait for me here.
![[Oct 2013] My Mother’s Panic Attack](https://wayout.blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/panicattack.jpg?w=825&h=510&crop=1)
[Oct 2013] My Mother’s Panic Attack
I woke up being nervous, with pre-performance anxiety in my legs, only because I knew I had to take over my brother’s birthday cake in a public place, namely in the candy store. I arrived with Sophie, but I left her in the car and went in alone. I was confident and patient, although I felt terrible anxiety inside. We stopped at the gas station too, which also made me nervous. Then I drove her home to her parents and went to my mother’s house to celebrate my brother’s birthday.
![[Oct 2013] Social Phobia](https://wayout.blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/socialphobia.jpg?w=477&h=339&crop=1)
[Oct 2013] Social Phobia
Social phobia, or social anxiety disorder. I found the expression on Wikipedia accidentally yesterday evening while reading the mindfulness article. According to Wikipedia, social anxiety is an anxiety disorder characterized by a significant amount of fear in one or more social situations, causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life. Reading about it was an epiphany to me. I realized that this is the very concept that describes my condition most accurately.
![[Oct 2013] The Trial](https://wayout.blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/trial.jpg?w=742&h=399&crop=1)
[Oct 2013] The Trial
The long non-awaited day has finally come today. The day of the trial. I was unlucky enough to see a bad fight between two employees of a customer of mine. The one sued the other, and I had to go to the trial as a witness. I’ve been feeling terrible, often unbearable increasing anxiety for the last few days. Yesterday afternoon on my regular weekly therapy session we were discussing the trial for the whole hour. Talking, relaxation, everything. I was extremely fearful, but I decided I go, whether I like it or not. I was afraid that I was going to be so anxious that I pass out, in front of everybody. I tried to accept this possibility, no matter how ashamed I was.
![[Oct 2013] My Crumbling Belief System](https://wayout.blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/towercrumbling.jpg?w=825&h=489&crop=1)
[Oct 2013] My Crumbling Belief System
I am sitting in the office, and I am terrified. I had to play two 40-minute matches last evening. By the end, I was so exhausted that I could hardly move or say a word. After I got home, and I was having a long skype conversation with Alex, my heart started beating strangely. It made me dreadful. I could hardly fall asleep after that. I woke up depressed this morning. When I came to the office, my heart started giving strange beats again. It scared the shit out of me. It took me almost half an hour to calm down after the shock.
The Way Out 