We are mostly unaware (at least I was) of how big part of our identity, self-image, self-esteem, and confidence is determined by our job, our everyday life, our daily routine, the communities we belong to and identify ourselves with.
I never thought about this before, but now I realized its significance and consequences, after losing my daily routine, after getting rid of all my duties. A week has passed when I had nothing to do, and I haven’t done much indeed. I also lost the feeling that I belong to my employer company, an organization, a group. I’ve never really liked the idea of belonging there, but now I can feel it was still better than belonging nowhere. Now I am floating in the middle of nowhere, I don’t feel like doing anything. There is no system and structure in my life. My energy and strength are diminishing day by day, along with my confidence. I have the feeling that I am on a collision course.
This situation is entirely new. I’ve always belonged somewhere, since my early childhood. Kindergarten, elementary school, high school, university, dorm, then my work communities. These places determined my daily routine, my life, my everydays, and filled most of my time in my days. They gave me an identity. Years ago I had a short, three-months-long holiday between two jobs, but it was different because I knew where I wanted to go forward. Still, I remember how difficult it was to live without an externally determined, strict daily routine.
The most stifling feeling haunts me after waking up in the morning and knowing I have no reason to get up, nothing to do, no goal to fight for. I usually stay in bed half asleep for hours, just to postpone starting another pointless day.