[Apr 2013] Why am I Still Unwell?

I always used to be a little stronger than was actually needed. No matter what difficulty or challenge came up, I always knew I was going to be able to overcome it. And I was indeed. Or at least I used to be. Nowadays I am always a little weaker than what the actual situation demands. There are no easy problems or tasks anymore, that can not beat me, paralyze me, or cause unsolvable difficulties to me.

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[Apr 2013] Hope and Hopelessness

It really felt unpleasant to get up early morning. But I had to and I wanted to, for the mass for my father’s soul. I knew it was mere formality, and a better future might be ahead of me, after I had hit the bottom of the seemingly bottomless pit of suffering.

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[Apr 2013] My Father’s Funeral

I faced another hard day today. I went to my father’s ashes in the morning, to the mortician in the city, right next to the hospital he had died in. I was really afraid of the whole experience, but I could be quite stable and calm. I did the paperwork, paid what I had to, sat into my car, and drove home to my mother with my father’s ashes on the back-seat. I was driving alone. I wanted to be alone. I left my girlfriend in the city, and planned to get back for her in the evening.

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[Apr 2013] Compassion in Grief

I am scheduling events in my calendar, and I don’t really believe it. It is absolutely unbelievable. As if it didn’t happen to me and to my daddy. I have events in my calendar like “Choosing grave”, “Going for father’s ashes”, “Father’s funeral”, “Mass for father”. So unbelievable, so distant, while I still have the reflex to grab my phone and call daddy to talk to him. Or that I just step by the hospital to visit him. Or many times I just don’t think about it, as if everything was alright, and he was living his little life at home, carefree…

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[Mar 2013] The Day my Father Died

After finishing our lunch, we went home with my car, but I asked my brother to drive. I sat to the rear-right seat. I prefer travelling there, especially because I wanted to hide from everything and everybody. I didn’t want to be noticed at all. I asked my mother to wait with all the phone-calls for a while, we could figure out everything at home. She told me that she had already told it to three of her friends. But when? Right away after I called her? Or during they came to the hospital?

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[Mar 2013] The Death of my Father

It is Friday evening. It was exactly 13 months ago, when we started our fight with cancer, and now I am sitting at your death-bed in the Oncology Institution, and I am watching your last breaths. Your last roommate could go home today, so there is only you and me in this two-bed room.

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[Mar 2013] My Father’s Last Days

Tuesday

I knew this was the beginning of the last days. I knew it for sure. I was still lying in my bed in my apartment, when my brother called me happily, that father was let home from the hospital. I couldn’t believe what I just heard.

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[Mar 2013] Relief in the Mountains

I still remember vaguely from morning, that the boys woke up and were preparing for the day, but I kept on sleeping. The next picture is one of my friends knocking on the glass-door of my room from the terrace. I opened the door, and the freezing cold air blew into my face. He asked me if I wanted to join him, but I said a firm no. I didn’t want to go anywhere. He went back skiing on the mountain, and I went back to sleep. I only woke up a few hours later. I haven’t had such a good long sleep for a very long time.

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[Mar 2013] March Madness

It had been a long hard week already, and it was only Thursday afternoon, but I knew the pleasant part of it was going to start, because we were going to go skiing with my friends next day. Wednesday morning we had brought father to the Oncology Institute to stay there for the first time, after another very difficult night. It was a relief to me, after the previous days, when he had been feeling really terrible. He could hardly sleep because of the pain and the water in his lungs again. My mother was really stressed out after those horrible nights they had suffered together. It was a relief to all of us – maybe even to father – when his oncologist told me to bring him in the hospital and let them treat and take care of him there. She told me that they were going to clean his lungs and fix whatever they can. So my father had got into good hands, my mother was able to sleep again, and I could go on my trip more peacefully, with less worry.

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[Mar 2013] Death Sentence

Last evening I felt quite good, but I couldn’t fall asleep until very late, so I knew waking up this morning will be difficult. And it was, especially because I knew today was going be a very hard day. I started at the hospital in the city, meeting with my father’s oncologist, in order to talk about the results of the latest CT-scan and the things to come. Meanwhile my father had to go to the nearest hospital from their home with my mother, because he had water in his lungs, that had to be drawn out. I decided to turn off every communication tools, until I can talk to his oncologiest. Then I wanted to go home to them and tell them about the certainly bad news.

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