It’s been a year now that we are fighting persistently with my father’s disease, that is increasingly difficult for the whole family. And the worst of it all is that no matter how hard it is, no matter how we are all running out of strength and energy, we all know that it is always getting even worse. The worst is yet to come: the results of the latest CT, losing all our hope terminally and irreversibly, telling my father that he is going to die in weeks or months, waiting for death to come, and finally his death and his funeral, and everything that goes with it. So I think I can surely state, that the worst is yet to come.
When some sudden tragedy happens, an unexpected accident, a death, a breakup of a relationship, crushing a dream, losing a job, any kind of trauma, then you become shocked and devastated, and it may take a lot of time to work through it, but in the minute the tragedy happend, you are already over the worst. And then, no matter how hard it is, you can work every day on it, you can digest it bit by bit, you can climb out of the hole step by step, you can get stronger, you can love life again, you can feel joy, you can love, and you can put the past to its right place.
How about my situation now? I am losing all my energy, and no matter how hard we work, how much we try to build up something, it is getting harder and worse and more hopeless every day. Now I can’t even think about how to climb out of my misery, because my first concern is to figure out how to hit the ground in a way that I survive it at all. Make no mistake, I firmly believe that it is better to lose someone this way, rather than unexpectedly, suddenly, unfinished, with the everlasting missing, with the whys, with unspoken words, with undone things. It is better this way to me, because I can prepare, we can talk, we can say the previously unspoken words, we can give each other our ungiven feelings.
It is still incredibly hard. I feel like I am just falling and falling in a deep dark pit, and the bottom seems still very far…