[Aug 2013] Happy Blindness

I am afraid of everything new. Everything that brings any kind of change. I am scared of turning on the radio in the car because of what I might hear. No kidding, I am serious. I can literally have anxiety attacks just by turning on the radio. I am afraid of the unknown subject they might bring up, and of its impact on me.

It is horrible to live like this every day. With the constant fear that something might catch me anytime. But it’s even worse that I am unable to accept these anxious feelings and reactions I have. I am ashamed of myself. I hate myself for my anxiety, that makes it even stronger and worse.

Everything new knocks me out. Everything that has the slightest unknown in it pushes me to the edge. It is terrifying. But somehow – I don’t know how – I have faith that one day it will be over, and I will be stronger and happier than ever.

I often feel like my life was much easier back when I was totally unaware of my feelings and emotional issues. I simply suppressed everything, way below the level of my consciousness. It might be that I am healthier today, and I might walk toward a fuller and more conscious life step by step, but this path I took is definitely much harder than anything familiar from my past. Despite this, I wouldn’t switch for the easier one. I always prefer seeing rather than blindness, even with the horrible pain that comes with awareness.


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