[Jan 2013]: Am I already Whole?

I woke up early morning for a very long Monday. I meditated a bit, while my girlfriend was still sleeping next to me in the bed. I did my morning routine, I had a quick breakfast, then I left to the hospital where my father and my brother were waiting for me. There was snow on the streets everywhere, that had fallen during the night. I was already tense before leaving, even more during my way to the hospital. It usually comes and goes in waves, just like now. I tried to listen to the radio in my car, then I turned it off, because it disturbed me. Then I turned it back on, while time was passing, and I was sitting in the traffic jam. It took me an hour to get to the hospital. I wanted to arrive, but when I finally arrived, I felt I was unable to pull myself together to get out of the car and go inside.

Somehow I managed to get out and went inside with confident steps, and an artificial, forced calmness. When I entered the building, I felt that I was weakening and all my power was leaving my body. I was slowly climbing the stairs, in my overcoat and with my laptop-bag in my hand. By the time I reached the 3rd floor, I was feeling both physically and emotionally exhausted. I stopped for a while, took a few deep breaths, and kept on going. The atmosphere on the corridor was a little more familiar, with less patients then usual, maybe because of the snow. I noticed my father with my brother, I greeted them and sat right next to them. I took another few deep breaths, that made my oppressive feelings go away, and I felt I gained my balance and my abilities back. Yes, “lost abilities” expresses the most what I feel when I become tense and my mind gets cloudy. I feel like I am not in possession of my abilities, I am not sharp, I can’t concentrate, I can’t be in the present, I can’t be myself, and it is difficult to even react and communicate with the world.

We managed to get in to my father’s doctor after a short waiting. She brought relatively good news: my father’s blood count was back to normal, so he is ready to get chemotherapy again. For us nowadays, good news are like this. After the necessary administration we set out for the other building for chemotherapy, but I didn’t follow them there, because it was just routine from here, and I had other things to do.

Just after I said goodbye to them, I saw this gorgeous woman walking towards the building. She had long, straight, thick golden hair, beautiful flawless skin, which is my weakness. She wore a beautiful light-brown coat. Her face was beautiful. She was slim, tall and erect with dignity. She really took my breath away for a moment. But the next thing that crossed my mind was this: Oh boy, how far I am now from conquering a women like her! I can hardly live my own life day by day, everything is total mess around me, I am hardly able to work and keep myself sane, not to crush under pressure. I have to do and fix lots of things to be able to deal with a woman of her caliber. Walking towards my car I was still thinking about her and my thoughts about her, when another thought hit me.

Wait a minute! What did I just say to myself? Did I say that in my current situation I don’t deserve a woman like her? That I am not able to give her an impression, to have an impact on her? That I am not worthy for her? Does it mean that I am not good enough for her right now, only maybe some day in the far future, when I will fix everything around me? Oh my God! This is exactly the thought and mindset that I am fighting against, and I thought I’ve already destroyed it and left it behind. Until this moment. Because it struck me, that I still think and feel quite the opposite: I am not good enough! Not yet! I am not whole yet! I am not able to function as a whole person! But it is simply not true! Because this is the key to everything! If I believe that I am not complete, then I will never be. But I am whole indeed! And I have to love myself! And I do love myself! And I am whole! And I am good enough for a woman like her! And I deserve her! I deserve her and any other women, and everything else in this world! I deserve to be happy! I deserve to be healthy! I deserve to be whole, to live a full life, because I am a whole person! This is the key to happiness!

From this moment, my day changed completely. Now it is a little after midnight, and I am feeling pleasant tiredness in my body, after a long, meaningful, productive, and happy day, while writing these lines. I am going to sleep as a happy, healthy, and whole person! I am grateful for this day!

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