I was thinking about something today, that I had noticed several times before. Meditation and this conscious awareness makes my perceptions sharper and wider. I see, feel and observe more about the world and about myself. I am getting more aware. This is good on one side, but on the other side I notice more tensions, frustrations, heavy feelings, bad habits in myself, that I have just never seen before. I just haven’t felt it, haven’t seen it, haven’t have any clue about it, therefore it hasn’t bothered me at all. I often feel that meditation brought me many new problems, instead of solving current ones. My life might be better with meditation, maybe I don’t even realize the ways it made my life better and easier. Maybe meditation will help me in the long run, by helping see and solve problems that I am just getting to know now, because they have been burried deep down inside me. I don’t know. But meditation surely makes my life more difficult sometimes with these new-found problems.
This brings up another question in me, that I can’t answer either. Is meditation for everyone? I mean, is it good and recommended for everybody? Or does it have some limitations and contra-indications? Are there people, who might be better off never starting meditation? I would really like to know the answer! Can it be that I am one of these people? Can it be, that I’d be happier and more complete just by doing things, following my dreams and goals, and never thinking too much about things? Might this be the truth? On the other hand, what bad can it make to live the present moments more fully and deeply? I can’t find any reasonable downside of this. But still, I really don’t know. I remember Tony Soprano and his recurring question to her psychiatrist: what happend to the strong, silent type, like Gary Cooper, who never asked anything, never complained, just did silently what he had to do? Tony said that today everybody just talks and complains about his feelings, and if we think about our feelings and problems much enough, sooner or later we’ll think we are abnormal, insane, and helpless. This is kind of what I am afraid of with meditation. I am afraid it will bring me new problems, and I can spend the rest of my life trying to solve them. Maybe I should just shut my mouth and do whatever I have to do, who knows.
By the way, why am I always thinking about meditation as some kind of remedy or solution, as if some therapist prescribed it for me as mental physiotherapy? If I think about meditation, why are my first associations problems and mental disorders, and the thought that I am not completely normal? Just because the book Full Catastrophe Living is about sick people in a hospital? Maybe. But the book Wherever You Go, There You Are is not about sick people, it is about healthy people who want to make their life happier and more complete. Meditation should not be about diseases, but about full life, about using our abilities and potentials, and living our moments to the fullest. Then why am I always finding new problems when I meditate, even where none existed before?
Anyway, I am still pretty much a beginner in meditation, so maybe it is way too early to think about this. Maybe I should just practice, and these answers will come. I hope they will…