Tag: death

[Apr 2013] My Father’s Funeral

I faced another hard day today. I went to my father’s ashes in the morning, to the mortician in the city, right next to the hospital he had died in. I was really afraid of the whole experience, but I could be quite stable and calm. I did the paperwork, paid what I had to, sat into my car, and drove home to my mother with my father’s ashes on the back-seat. I was driving alone. I wanted to be alone. I left my girlfriend in the city, and planned to get back for her in the evening.

Continue reading [Apr 2013] My Father’s Funeral

[Apr 2013] Compassion in Grief

I am scheduling events in my calendar, and I don’t really believe it. It is absolutely unbelievable. As if it didn’t happen to me and to my daddy. I have events in my calendar like “Choosing grave”, “Going for father’s ashes”, “Father’s funeral”, “Mass for father”. So unbelievable, so distant, while I still have the reflex to grab my phone and call daddy to talk to him. Or that I just step by the hospital to visit him. Or many times I just don’t think about it, as if everything was alright, and he was living his little life at home, carefree…

Continue reading [Apr 2013] Compassion in Grief

[Mar 2013] Broken Family Idyll

Today is my first morning without my father. I can hardly get out of bed. I hardly woke up and I am already thinking about how to say to mother that we should not hire the cheaper mortician from next town, because it is complicated and conflict-prone to bring him to town, even if it is cheaper. I want to keep the family peace as much as I can, but I don’t want to create a conflict about the funeral. I am afraid that she is not going to understand the situation and my point, no matter how nicely, kindly, and calmly I try to say it.

Continue reading [Mar 2013] Broken Family Idyll

[Mar 2013] The Day my Father Died

After finishing our lunch, we went home with my car, but I asked my brother to drive. I sat to the rear-right seat. I prefer travelling there, especially because I wanted to hide from everything and everybody. I didn’t want to be noticed at all. I asked my mother to wait with all the phone-calls for a while, we could figure out everything at home. She told me that she had already told it to three of her friends. But when? Right away after I called her? Or during they came to the hospital?

Continue reading [Mar 2013] The Day my Father Died

[Mar 2013] The Death of my Father

It is Friday evening. It was exactly 13 months ago, when we started our fight with cancer, and now I am sitting at your death-bed in the Oncology Institution, and I am watching your last breaths. Your last roommate could go home today, so there is only you and me in this two-bed room.

Continue reading [Mar 2013] The Death of my Father

[Mar 2013] My Father’s Last Days

Tuesday

I knew this was the beginning of the last days. I knew it for sure. I was still lying in my bed in my apartment, when my brother called me happily, that father was let home from the hospital. I couldn’t believe what I just heard.

Continue reading [Mar 2013] My Father’s Last Days

[Mar 2013] Death Sentence

Last evening I felt quite good, but I couldn’t fall asleep until very late, so I knew waking up this morning will be difficult. And it was, especially because I knew today was going be a very hard day. I started at the hospital in the city, meeting with my father’s oncologist, in order to talk about the results of the latest CT-scan and the things to come. Meanwhile my father had to go to the nearest hospital from their home with my mother, because he had water in his lungs, that had to be drawn out. I decided to turn off every communication tools, until I can talk to his oncologiest. Then I wanted to go home to them and tell them about the certainly bad news.

Continue reading [Mar 2013] Death Sentence

[Febr 2013] One Year of Cancer

It’s been a year now that we are fighting persistently with my father’s disease, that is increasingly difficult for the whole family. And the worst of it all is that no matter how hard it is, no matter how we are all running out of strength and energy, we all know that it is always getting even worse. The worst is yet to come: the results of the latest CT, losing all our hope terminally and irreversibly, telling my father that he is going to die in weeks or months, waiting for death to come, and finally his death and his funeral, and everything that goes with it. So I think I can surely state, that the worst is yet to come.

Continue reading [Febr 2013] One Year of Cancer

[Febr 2013] False Hope

I was walking in the backyard with my father at home. He was balming himself for not walking and moving enough. He thought he was feeling unwell recently because of this. He thought it was all his fault. I didn’t want to argue with that, but reality is that this has to do only with cancer, not him or anything else. He does the best he can, but sadly cancer is stronger than him, stronger than anyone. Or maybe it is not stronger, only cancer started with too big advantage.

Continue reading [Febr 2013] False Hope