[Mar 2013] Intact Soul in a Rotting Body

It is Sunday evening, and I am back in the city. I am at the hospital with my father. In the familiar, intimate atmosphere. The city outside is far away, nearly sleeping. Everybody has done everything for today. Even the hospital has quieted down. In most rooms the night has already arrived. Even the resident nurse has returned to her room. Nobody and nothing disturbs us. Time has slowed down, nearly stopped. Nothing matters to my father outside this room anymore. He has nothing left to do in life. This feeling has caught me as well. I have to go to work tomorrow, but I don’t really care. Now it seems so far away, that it may never come.

We were talking about all kinds of things. Even talking was too exhausting for him. I saw him fighting for the words. But I still know that there is a whole, intact mind and soul behind the hollow cheeks. What a tragedy?! Cancer eats up his body, and his mind is trapped in his rotting body. His mind, his thoughts, his feelings, he himself are all prisoners of his body. His mind is still able to live and to be happy, if we could just set it free from his infected body. But we can’t… How sad is that…?

I have already thought about telling my father about my business idea about sending notifications to registered users about regular cancer screenings. The idea came from my father’s cancer of course. The usual story, with the usual sentence: “If they had only caught it a little earlier…” Nobody goes to screenings often enough. I thought this simple service that I imagined could help.

I don’t know if it is a good idea or not talking to him about this. I thought it could give a meaning or a purpose to his otherwise senseless disease and death. I have always thought, he’d be happy about hearing this from me, but it could put burdens on me, as if I owed him of building this business. That I won’t be able to forgive myself if I couldn’t build it in the end. I don’t know, I really don’t.

But then I suddenly decided to tell him, no matter what. I started sobbing heavily. I had to fight for each and every word to be able to tell him, but I did it. I was relieved. I felt l did the right thing. I could see that he was happy, although I couldn’t see it as much as I had imagined or wanted it. He told me with a smile and wondering-daydreaming eyes that he admired my ambitions. He was truly suprised and proud of me. Ambition has always been natural for me, but now I realized, that for him it was a suprise, because he had never really known me. I had never shared my dreams, my aspirations, and my plans with him. What a pity… But I am really happy I told something this time.

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