[Jan 2013] My Father’s Unimaginable Death

No matter how bad things are, I am still unable to imagine my father being dead, or just simply non-existent.

With every week and every month, with every lost pound, he is getting closer and closer to his destiny, to his grave. I already know it all with my mind, I understand it, and I mostly accept it. We’ve tried everything, and we have lost. We don’t have tools and chances any more. We can’t hope anything anymore. I got the last big slap in the face today, with the results of the molecular analysis, that concluded that there is practically no possible known targeted therapy for him, and the closest relevant experimental cancer treatment is at the other end of the world, which is not a reasonable option. So we are done. It is all over. We really can’t do anything else. His oncologist in the hospital already told me months ago, that my father’s cancer in this stage and condition is not curable anymore, they can only slow down its progression. I’ve tried everything outside the hospital as well, but now I can’t look for anything else. Counting the days, that’s all that is left for us. I don’t know how many days he has left. I don’t think he is going to live to see his 55th birthday in November. I don’t think that, seeing his current condition.

And still, I write these sentences with ice-cold rationalism, I write what my mind tells me, but no matter how hopeless our situation is, I am simply not able to even imagine, that my father is really going to die.

I just can’t imagine him lying still in his coffin, and nobody lives in his tiny little body anymore.

No matter how thin, weak and scary he looks, he is still alive, and death seams to be light-years away.

It is still not imaginable that something is ever going to happen to him.

I can’t imagine saying goodbye to him, I can’t imagine being just the three of us, with my mother and my brother.

I can’t imagine the goodbye, I can’t imagine him leaving,

I can’t imagine death at all.

I can’t imagine his funeral.

I can’t imagine that we can’t talk to him anymore.

I can’t imagine home without him being there.

I can’t imagine just a few photos left of him, and fading memories.

I can’t imagine…

It is unimaginable…