I hadn’t known much about Buddhism and meditation, not more than people usually in the Western world: it is some strange, distant, abstract religious kind of thing, that is very different from mainstream western religions. Oh yes, and when someone meditates, he is sitting still for a longer time, and becomes very calm, and won’t be worried and bothered and interested in anything. And that it is not that much about some kind of God, but it is about something else, whatever it is. Oh, and there is reincarnation as well, which I think is complete nonsense. I think this was all I knew about it.
Still, somehow, for some misterious reason, I’ve always felt that meditation and Buddhism is not something stupid. It always made some sense to me, although I had barely known anything about it, and although there are lots of other misterious things, like astrology or esoteria, that doesn’t make any sense to me at all. Buddhism has always been attractive to me, I had this secret voice in my head that told me I should get to know more about it, because it holds precious jewels for me.
Continue reading [Sept 2012] Meditation and Me
I feel that I have difficulties handling stress, mostly the stress that I experience at my work. Actually I don’t know it sometimes if I have difficulties handling it, or there are just so many sources of stress and pressure in my life, that would break anyone. Sometimes I can’t decide if stress is too much or I handle it badly, or I just don’t spend enough time to rest and regenerate. Whatever the problem is, or whatever combination of these, something is wrong in my life, I am pretty sure of that. I am sure, because there are clear signs of it. I experience strange and weird things, more and more often lately. Just like a couple of years ago, when I started having heart arrhythmias more frequently, and I started to worry about it so much after a while, that it manifested itself in panic attacks. And I was naive enough to make myself examined, because I thought it must be diabetes or something else, until I realized, that these were only my heavy fears because of my heart condition. Now I experience something similar again and again.
Continue reading [Sept 2012] Limits, Symptoms, and Panic
Last weekend I broke down. My body sent me a serious signal, that I should decrease my pace, because it is killing me. It was a very difficult and demanding week, not the first in a row. Then on Saturday morning we went down to some village with my girlfriend and my friends, to celebrate the wedding of a friend of mine. That was where the problems started.
Continue reading [Aug 2012] Cancer or Heart Attack Please?
I’ll tell the very short story of my life, or rather how it seemed to me or to any outsider until about three years ago. And then I’ll tell how this seemingly wonderful life turned into a nightmare, how I got from success to complete breakdown, in a way, that I had no clue about what is going on with me and inside me. All this within just a little more than a year.
Continue reading Success and Breakdown
It’s been a while since I first had the desire that I want to start a blog. Exactly because of the reasons and goals I’ve started this blog, just like I detailed it in my introduction. Also because in the last few years I have noted down lots of my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and realizations in my diary, or whatever I call it. Sometimes I’ve shared my writing with a few friends, who has read it with interest, understanding and support, and they’ve encouraged me to share my thoughts with a wider audience.
And still, until now, a lots of things have kept me back to start. Aboundance of negative thoughts, fears, and doubts…
Continue reading Doubts
If I want to summarize this blog with one word, what this blog is all about, then it would be the word “change”. This blog is about change, and about if it is possible at all, or if it has barriers. I want to write about difficulties, suffering, misery, darkness, dread, hopelesness, shame, and struggling with all these. And about the way out, or about looking for the way out. It is about if there is a way out of mental and emotional problems, depression, anxiety, panic, shame, and traumas. If it is possible to be happy and free. If it is possible to become happy and free. I don’t know the answer yet myself, I just hope that all this is possible…
Continue reading Introduction